IT'S DAISY, DAISY ADAIR.
DAISY'S ONE OF US. DAISY'S A REAPER.
[GEORGE]: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
[DAISY]: GETTING US A RIDE.
IF YOU NEED A PLACE TO CRASH, YOU KNOW YOU...
NOT IN THAT LIFE, NOT IN THIS ONE,
NOT EVER. BUT THANKS.
[MASON]: OKAY.
I'M HERE A COUPLE OF DAYS EARLY,
SO RUBE SAID I SHOULD BUNK WITH YOU.
YOU DIDN'T GET ME A PLACE
WHEN I FIRST ARRIVED.
WHY DID YOU TELL HER SHE COULD STAY WITH ME?
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WOULD HIT IT OFF.
I'D LIKE TO HIT HER.
REGGIE'S PRINCIPAL CALLED.
SHE'S BEEN CUTTING SCHOOL. SEEMS THAT WAY.
[CLANCY]: WHERE THE HELL IS SHE GOING?
KEEPING A DEAD ANIMAL IN YOUR TOY BOX
IS SOMETHING A CRAZY PERSON WOULD DO.
I'M NOT CRAZY.
IN WHAT WAY DOES YOUR FAMILY HONOR
GEORGIA'S MEMORY?
REGGIE'S BEEN STEALING TOILET SEATS
AND BRINGING HOME DEAD ANIMALS.
DO YOU THINK SLAPPING UP A FEW PHOTOS IS GOING TO STOP THAT?
WHO COMPLAINED ABOUT THE EGGS?
EGGS WERE NOT GOOD.
SO WHO DO WE BLAME? THE HEN OR THE COOK?
LET'S BLAME THE HEN.
NICE GUY.
[♪♪]
[GEORGE]: "STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES."
WHEN SOMEONE IS FLYING THROUGH THEIR LIFE,
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM.
SLOW DOWN. TAKE STOCK.
APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE.
USE ALL YOUR SENSES.
[BEE BUZZING]
"STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES."
IT'S ADVICE YOU TELL SOMEONE WHEN THEY'RE 30, I GUESS...
NOT SOMETHING YOU'D EVER TELL AN 18-YEAR-OLD GIRL.
I WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME...
BEFORE I DIED AND ALL.
[SIGHS] I WOULDN'T HAVE LISTENED ANYWAY.
[SIZZLING]
MORNING. GOOD MORNING.
GEORGIA.
I DON'T MEAN TO PICK ON YOU SO EARLY IN THE DAY,
BUT MAY I ASK YOU SOMETHING PERSONAL?
UM, CAN I JUST GET SOME COFFEE FIRST?
HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY EYE CREAM?
NO, DAISY. I HAVE NOT TOUCHED YOUR STUPID EYE CREAM.
BECAUSE I HAVE NOTICED
EROSION OVER THE PAST FEW DAYS.
DAISY, WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE?
YOU STOLE IT FROM SOME DEAD WOMAN'S PURSE.
IT'S VERY EXPENSIVE STUFF, GEORGIA.
IT CONTAINS AN ANTIOXIDANT COMPLEX.
WHY DON'T YOU EVER SAY ANYTHING TO HER?
HOW COOL CAN THAT BE,
STEALING FROM DEAD PEOPLE?
I DON'T HAVE A PARTICULAR MORAL OBJECTION
TO THE PRACTICE OF TAKING THE POSSESSIONS
OF SOMEONE WHO CAN NO LONGER USE THEM.
THEN I'M GOING TO START STEALING STUFF.
[RUBE]: WELL, THAT'S A BAD IDEA.
BUT YOU SAID...
I SAID I DO NOT HAVE A PARTICULAR PROBLEM
WITH THIS KIND OF THEFT.
WHAT ARE YOU HAVING, DARLIN'?
JUST COFFEE, PLEASE.
WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?
[CASEY]: CORNED BEEF HASH AND EGGS OVER EASY.
[RUBE]: CORNED BEEF HASH?
I SPEAK NOT ONLY FOR MYSELF,
BUT FOR AFICIONADOS OF THE DISH.
IT'S TO BE FRIED,
WITH A CRISP EXTERIOR.
WELL, THIS, MY DEAR CASEY, IS NOT CRISP.
IT'S... I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS. I'M FLUMMOXED.
IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.
I DO NOT SAY THIS LIGHTLY
IN THIS HALLOWED PLACE,
BUT THIS IS FUCKING INEDIBLE.
IT COULD GIVE ME TRICHINOSIS.
DON'T DO THIS TO ME.
[SIZZLING]
PLEASE BRING HIM THAT PLATE
AND TELL HIM HOW I WANT MY HASH.
IT'S MY PREROGATIVE, AND THIS IS MY WISH.
LET'S NOT TARRY. I'M A HUNGRY MAN.
JUST DUMP SOME KETCHUP ON IT.
DO WHAT THE LITTLE GIRL SAYS.
PUT KETCHUP ON IT.
THE MAN IS ALREADY IN A FOUL MOOD.
YOU'LL PISS HIM OFF,
AND HE'S GOING TO TAKE IT OUT ON ME.
AND THEN HE MIGHT TAKE A CRAP INTO YOUR HASH.
YOU TIP GOOD,
BUT YOU'RE PUSHING MY BUTTONS.
TELLING ME NOT TO TARRY...
YOU CAN KISS MY ASS.
ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE.
WAIT. THIS PERSON DIES IN 45 MINUTES.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME FOR COFFEE.
I'M COMING WITH.
I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO EAT HERE TODAY.
[STEAM WHISTLING]
I THINK SHE'S ONE OF THEM.
OH, GOD, SHE'S OLD. IT'S SO SAD.
WOULD YOU RATHER SHE WERE YOUR AGE?
I JUST... I DON'T KNOW. THEY LOOK SO SWEET.
THEN DO SOMETHING SWEET FOR HER BEFORE SHE DIES.
EXCUSE ME, IS ONE OF YOU LADIES MRS. TODD?
OH, I'M MRS. TODD.
QUINN, MAYBE YOU WON SOMETHING.
MRS. TODD, THAT GENTLEMAN OVER THERE
ON THE RIGHT WANTED ME TO TELL YOU
THAT YOU LOOK VERY... AND THIS IS A QUOTE...
"BEAUTIFUL" TODAY.
[LAUGHING]
OH...
QUINN'S GOT AN ADMIRER.
NICELY HANDLED, GEORGIA.
YOU'RE GROWING UP TO BE A REALLY FINE GRIM REAPER.
[OLD WOMAN]: HIS NAME IS HENRY LAMBERT.
HE MADE A LOT OF MONEY IN REAL ESTATE.
OH...
I'D FUCK HIM.
[LAUGHTER]
SO HOW WAS YOUR CORNED BEEF HASH?
EXCELLENT. PREPARED TO YOUR LIKING?
WITHOUT QUESTION... THE SECOND TIME AROUND.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T MAKE A LOT OF MONEY HERE, PAL.
I'M AWARE OF THAT.
YOU ALL RIGHT TODAY?
YOU DON'T SEEM QUITE LIKE YOURSELF.
YOU MEAN MY FOOD DOESN'T SEEM QUITE LIKE ME TODAY.
SAY WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND.
YOU WERE NOT AT YOUR BEST.
YOUR FOOD WAS NOT GOOD TODAY.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MY FRIEND?
MY NAME IS ANGUS COOK.
ANGUS COOK. YOU'RE A COOK, AND YOUR NAME IS ANGUS COOK?
IS THERE A FUCKING ECHO HERE?
WHERE ARE YOUR PEOPLE FROM, ANGUS?
SCOTLAND? YEAH.
EDINBURGH?
YEAH, BOTH PARENTS.
[SCOTTISH ACCENT] LOVELY CITY.
ANGUS COOK, YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN
WITH THE WEIGHT OF SOME TERRIBLE PROBLEM
ON YOUR MIND.
I WISH YOU COULD UNBURDEN YOURSELF.
I'M SENSING SOME KIND OF
A FINANCIAL DIFFICULTY.
YEAH.
I LOST EVERYTHING I OWN, EVERYTHING.
GODDAMN PYRAMID SCHEME.
VITAMINS? HAIR PRODUCTS.
SORRY YOU HAD TO GO THROUGH THAT.
PUT ME DOWN FOR A CASE.
TRY TO CLEAR YOUR HEAD
WHEN YOU COOK THE HASH TOMORROW.
BYE-BYE.
HOW OLD DO YOU THINK SHE IS?
I'M THINKING 70.
I DON'T KNOW. I'M NOT GOOD AT THAT.
IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF BEING GOOD AT IT.
IT'S JUST A GAME.
YOU GUESS SOMEONE'S AGE.
HOW OLD ARE YOU, LIKE, 35?
YEAH, YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT IT.
I CAN'T TELL WHETHER SHE'S HAD WORK DONE
OR WHETHER SHE'S JUST MOISTURIZED EARLY AND OFTEN.
YEAH, THAT'S A TOUGHIE.
WHAT KIND OF MOISTURIZER DO YOU USE?
I DON'T.
GEORGIA. SWEETHEART.
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAD
DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP.
YOUR T-ZONE IS SO DRY.
MY WHAT?
YOUR T-ZONE, SILLY.
I HAVE TO GO DO THIS.
OKAY.
BE SWEET ABOUT IT.
YOU MAY BE THE LAST FACE SHE SEES.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DOG.
THANK YOU.
SAY THANK YOU, J.D.
YEAH, WHAT A SWEETIE.
HE LIKES YOU.
HE ALWAYS LIKES LITTLE GIRLS.
WHAT KIND OF DOG IS HE?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER.
THEY'RE EXTRAORDINARY COMPANIONS.
I KNOW I MAY SOUND LIKE ONE OF THOSE CRAZIES,
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT J.D.
I REALLY LOVE HIM.
AND I'M SURE HE REALLY LOVES YOU, TOO.
[BARKING]
J.D.!
J.D., COME! J.D., COME.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
J.D.!
[SCREAMING] [BRAKES SCREECHING]
[SIREN WAILING]
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
[GEORGE]: THIS ONE SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO HARD FOR ME.
I MEAN, SHE WAS OLD.
SHE WASN'T LIKE ME... SHE HAD LIVED HER LIFE...
BUT SOMEHOW, I FELT GUILTY, AND I WASN'T SURE WHY.
MAYBE IT WAS THE STUPID DOG.
IT WAS DEFINITELY THE DOG.
[QUINN]: WHAT ABOUT J.D.?
WHO'S GOING TO TAKE CARE OF J.D.?
UM...
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M NOT GOOD AT THE PET THING.
HE LIKES LITTLE GIRLS.
[WHINING] WELL, DON'T YOU HAVE ANY KIDS
OR GRANDCHILDREN OR SOMETHING?
THEY'RE THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY.
DOES HE BARK?
[LAUGHING] HE'S A DOG.
[GEORGE]: I SHOULD HAVE RESPONDED THE SAME WAY I DID
EVERY TIME SOMEONE TRIED
TO HAND ME SOME STUPID RESPONSIBILITY
WHEN I WAS ALIVE.
I SHOULD'VE SAID, "THANKS, BUT I'D PREFER NOT TO,"
POLITE, FIRM, HARD TO ARGUE WITH.
I'LL TAKE HIM...
[BARKING]
AND THEN IT WAS JUST THE TWO OF US.
I WANTED TO TELL J.D.
THAT HE'D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME,
AND EVEN THOUGH THAT SOUNDED LIKE SOME SAPPY BREAK-UP LINE,
IT REALLY WAS THE TRUTH.
THE FACT IS,
I HAD A RATHER SORDID PAST WHEN IT CAME TO ANIMALS.
THAT PROBABLY SOUNDS
LIKE I USED TO MOLEST THEM OR LIGHT THEM ON FIRE,
BUT IT WAS NOTHING LIKE THAT.
I ACTUALLY LOVED EVERY PET I EVER HAD.
FIRST, THERE WAS MY MOUSE, SPEEDY GONZALES.
I FED HIM A JALAPENO
BECAUSE IT SEEMED ONLY NATURAL THAT HE WOULD LIKE THEM.
MOM!
HE DIDN'T.
AFTER SPEEDY GONZALES PASSED AWAY,
I WAS ON THE REBOUND, HARD.
THERE WAS A VOID,
AND I TOLD MY MOM
THAT ONLY A NEW PUPPY COULD FILL IT.
HAPPY EASTER, SWEETHEART.
[CHIRPING]
THIS ISN'T A DOG.
A DOG IS A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY, HONEY.
YOU DON'T THINK I CAN TAKE CARE OF A DOG?
NOT TRUE.
JUST... THIS LITTLE EASTER CHICK NEEDS A MOM,
AND I THINK YOU'RE THE BEST GIRL FOR THE JOB.
[GEORGE]: I NAMED MY CHICK TWEETY.
PROBLEM WAS,
OUR CAT, SYLVESTER, ATE TWEETY...
[YOWLING]
[CHOKING]
AND PROMPTLY CHOKED TO DEATH.
IT WAS A GRISLY SCENE,
POSSIBLY A MURDER-SUICIDE PACT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED.
I NEVER REALLY MADE PEACE WITH IT.
IT WENT ON AND ON LIKE THAT.
THE MORE I LOVED MY PETS, THE QUICKER I KILLED THEM...
WHICH IS WHY IT WASN'T FOR PURELY SELFISH REASONS
THAT I WANTED TO LOSE J.D.
HIS DEMISE WOULD BE SURE AND SWIFT,
AND I KNEW SOMEHOW I'D BE THE CAUSE OF IT,
AND FRANKLY, I HAD ENOUGH GUILT AND REGRET
WITHOUT ADDING THE DEATH OF THIS BEAUTIFUL DOG
TO THE MIX.
COME ON, J.D., LET'S GO HOME.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
[THUDDING]
DAISY,
I'VE BEEN, UM, THINKING
ABOUT EARNING SOME EXTRA CASH
BY DOING ALL THIS ACTING STUFF.
REALLY? YEAH.
MY GOD... IN FACT,
YOU COULD GIVE ME A FEW POINTERS.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, YOU COULD COME OVER TO MY HOUSE,
WE COULD READ SOME SCENES TOGETHER AT NIGHT,
YOU KNOW, THAT KIND OF STUFF.
YEAH, I DON'T SEE THAT HAPPENING.
DAISY, DAISY, THIS IS NOT SOME CHEAP MOVE
I'M TRYING TO MAKE HERE.
IN FACT, I HAD MY FIRST AUDITION YESTERDAY.
OOH, WHAT WAS IT FOR?
IT WAS FOR SOME BEER ADVERTISEMENT.
THE NOTICE SAID
YOUNG, LATE 20s,
HIP, GOOD-LOOKING, SO COME ON...[CHUCKLES]
HOW'D THAT GO?
I DIDN'T GET IT.
WELL, DON'T BE DISCOURAGED.
I'M SURE IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE ACCENT.
[MASON]: NO, NO, IT WAS LIKE A PRINT AD,
SO YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SPEAK.
OH. THEN THE ACCENT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
WHAT A GORGEOUS DOG.
ISN'T SHE?
IS HE A GOLDEN?
YES, SHE IS.
[MASON]: WHAT'S ITS NAME? [GEORGE]: J.D.
J.D.'S A MALE.
YES, SHE IS.
WHY ARE YOU CALLING HIM A SHE IF HE'S A HE?
BECAUSE DOGS ARE REFERRED TO
IN THE FEMININE.
YOU MEAN THE WAY SOME GUY WOULD TALK ABOUT A CAR?
EXACTLY.
AS IN "SHE'S GOT EIGHT UNDER THE HOOD?"
SURE.
ACTUALLY, YOU REFER TO DOGS BY THEIR SEX,
AS IN "HERE, BOY," "DOWN, GIRL."
IT'S NOT HER DOG.
YEAH, I PICKED UP ON THAT.
WHO DOES J.D. BELONG TO?
YOU MEAN WHO DID SHE BELONG TO?
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THIS WAS HER DOG.
OKAY, FOLKS, HOW MANY TIMES CAN I FUCKING SAY THIS?
DO NOT GET EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED WITH THESE PEOPLE.
YOU DO NOT OWE THEM ANYTHING.
JUST DO YOUR JOB.
HEY, GET THE DOG OUT OF MY RESTAURANT.
IT'S OUT. I'M SORRY.
YOU PEOPLE ARE KILLING ME. JUST DO THE JOB.
[MASON]: WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?
WOW.
[BELL DINGS]
[SIGHS] PAY THE CHECK.
HEY.
SO WHAT DOES "J.D." STAND FOR?
I DON'T KNOW. I DIDN'T NAME HIM.
MAYBE HIS OWNER WAS A BOOZER.
MAYBE J.D. STANDS FOR JACK DANIELS.
YOU TOOK THE WOMAN'S SOUL. WHAT DID YOU SEE?
I DON'T THINK SHE NAMED HIM JACK DANIELS.
WELL, HE'S YOUR DOG NOW.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT.
I'M GOING TO TAKE A WALK.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER, PEANUT.
[GEORGE]: HE SAID JUST DO THE JOB,
LIKE WE WERE HIT MEN.
HE SAID DON'T GET EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED.
CLEAN YOUR GUN, GO HOME, WAIT FOR THE PHONE TO RING...
I GUESS THAT'S WHAT THOSE GUYS DID,
BUT WHAT WE DID FOR A LIVING...
WHAT WE DID FOR THE LIVING...
WAS NOT AS EASY.
DEATH HAPPENED.
IT HAPPENED A LOT,
AND IT HAPPENED RANDOMLY.
CHANCES WERE YOU WERE GOING TO
KNOW SOMEONE PERSONALLY
WHO WAS ABOUT TO DIE.
THE SHEER NUMBERS
ACTUALLY KIND OF CALMED ME DOWN ABOUT J.D.
I DECIDED THAT EVEN THOUGH THIS DOG
WOULD DIE SOMEDAY,
NOTHING WOULD HURT HIM WHILE HE WAS WITH ME.
I MEAN, I WASN'T THE ONLY KID
WHO HAD ACCIDENTALLY OFFED A PET.
MY LITTLE SISTER
WAS JUST AS STAR-CROSSED AS I WAS.
REGGIE
HAD ALREADY BLOWN THROUGH AN AQUARIUM FULL OF FISH
AND NOW HAD MOVED ON TO MAMMALS.
WHEREVER SILVERBERG IS NOW,
I'M SURE HE FORGIVES YOU.
I MEAN, HE WAS NOTHING IF NOT REASONABLE.
HEY. WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
OH.
DID WE LOSE SOMEBODY?
ACTUALLY, YES, WE HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT HERE.
REGGIE THOUGHT SHE WOULD TEACH THE GERBIL TO SWIM.
OH, WHY WOULD YOU TEACH A GERBIL TO SWIM?
BECAUSE MOM SAID
THAT EVERYBODY NEEDS TO KNOW HOW TO SWIM.
WELL, YES, SWEETIE, I DID SAY THAT,
BUT THROWING HIM IN THE TOILET
IS A RATHER TOUGH-LOVE APPROACH, DON'T YOU THINK?
[SIGHS]
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE HAD A GERBIL.
[SCOFFS] THERE'S A SHOCKER.
[GEORGE]: AND SO IT BEGAN FOR REGGIE.
THINGS SHE CARED ABOUT
SUDDENLY BEGAN TO DISAPPEAR FROM HER LIFE.
HOW WAS EVERYTHING?
IT WAS JUST FINE.
HE'S IN A BETTER MOOD THIS AFTERNOON.
I ENJOYED YOUR EGGS VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
[SIZZLING]
[CLICKING]
[ANGUS]: OH, SHIT.
[GAS HISSING]
[BELL DINGS]
[HICCUPS]
[CHOKING]
[THUDS]
OH, HI. [GASPS]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GOING INTO MY APARTMENT.
OH, NO, I MEAN, WHAT'S THE DOG DOING?
THE DOG'S GOING IN THE APARTMENT, TOO.
GEORGIA,
THIS IS A VERY SMALL SPACE YOU AND I SHARE.
[GEORGE]: SHARE? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS WOMAN
EVEN KNEW THE FUCKING WORD.
WELL, I KNOW THIS ISN'T SOMETHING YOU CARE ABOUT,
BUT I OWN SOME VERY
BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES.
WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
HE LOOKS LIKE A SHEDDER.
[SCOFFS] THAT'S ABSOLUTELY SOMETHING I CAN LIVE WITH.
OKAY, TRUTH IS, GEORGIA, I'M WILDLY ALLERGIC TO DOGS.
WILDLY ALLERGIC?
SEEMS LIKE YOU MIGHT HAVE STARTED WITH THAT.
I DON'T REALLY LIKE TALKING ABOUT MY FLAW.
THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING.
OH... YES. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
IF SHE'S ALLERGIC, WHY DID SHE JUST PET YOU?
[GEORGE]: J.D. AND I WANDERED THROUGH THE PARK
FOR THE BETTER PART OF AN AFTERNOON,
THE KIND OF WANDERING THAT TAKES PLACE
WHEN YOU DIDN'T REALLY HAVE TO BE ANYWHERE,
BUT I THINK, IN OUR HEARTS,
BOTH J.D. AND I KNEW WE WERE JUST KILLING TIME,
AND WE NEEDED A HOME.
AND IF A HOME WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PLACE
WHERE YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE...
THIS WAS NOT IT.
[PASSES WIND]
AH, YEAH. WHOA. [WHINING]
[GIGGLING]
[SNORING]
MILLIE?
MILLIE! I'M WORKING.
OH...
THIS IS SO NOT COOL.
NEITHER IS CATCHING Zs ON THE J-O-B.
IS THERE SOMETHING I NEED TO KNOW, MILLIE?
NO. I'M GOOD.
I'M JUST A LITTLE TIRED.
A TIRED WORKER IS A POOR WORKER.
A POOR WORKER IS OFTEN AN OUT-OF-WORK WORKER.
WHAT'S GOING ON, MILLIE?
I HAVE THIS DOG NOW.
MY ROOMMATE SAYS SHE'S ALLERGIC.
I'M STAYING WITH THIS GUY I KNOW,
BUT HE'S KIND OF...
SKEEVY?
ENGLISH.
EW.
WHAT KIND OF DOGGIE?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER.
LOVELY COMPANIONS.
WHY DON'T THE TWO OF YOU STAY WITH ME FOR A WHILE,
WHILE YOU FIGURE THINGS OUT?
OH, THAT'S VERY GENEROUS OF YOU, DELORES,
BUT I'LL BE FINE.
REALLY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THINGS.
I'M SURE YOU WILL.
YOU HAVE A POST-IT ON YOUR FOREHEAD.
SO HE CHOKED TO DEATH?
I'VE NEVER HAD A CHOKER.
I CAN'T IMAGINE IT'S VERY PRETTY.
IT ISN'T.
I COULDN'T EVEN LOOK THIS TIME. I TOOK OFF.
I FEEL TERRIBLE.
JUST TERRIBLE,
LIKE I WAS SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
I WAS IN HERE. I DIDN'T EVEN SEE HIM GO DOWN.
YEAH.
POOR GUY.
CHOKED ON A HAM SANDWICH.
JUST LIKE MAMA CASS.
I SURE WISH I'D HEARD HIM CHOKING OR SPUTTERING
OR COUGHING OR SOMETHING.
WHY? YOU KNOW THE HEIMLICH?
NO, UH-UH.
I GOT ROBERTO IN THERE COOKIN'.
BOY CAN'T EVEN FRY AN EGG.
THE BUSBOY?
WELL, WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
IT'S NOT LIKE ANGUS GAVE ME TWO WEEKS' NOTICE.
YOU KNOW, CASEY, I KNOW HOW TO COOK.
I KNOW HOW TO COOK VERY WELL.
IN A DINER?
"BURN ONE ON THE HOOF, HOLD THE BREATH."
I'M A GIFTED MAN.
YOU KNOW, I'M JUST SAYING. WHILE YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY...
WELL, ANYBODY'S BETTER THAN WHAT I GOT.
I CAN'T SPEAK SPANISH.
GO.
VAMOOSE. YES.
[SIZZLING]
HOLA, ROBERTO.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
IT'S ALL YOURS.
I DON'T NEED THIS BULLSHIT.
AND I'M A FUCKING CITIZEN, DUDE.
SPEAK ENGLISH.
GOT THE SAND, GOT THE SEA DUST, GOT THE MUD...
JUST CALL IT COFFEE.
DON'T CALL IT MUD, JAVA OR JOE.
IT'LL ONLY CONFUSE PEOPLE.
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.
NEITHER ARE YOU.
[GEORGE]: WORK WAS UNBEARABLE THAT DAY,
NOT JUST BECAUSE IT WAS WORK,
BUT BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON
WITH J.D. AND MASON.
THANKS.
MASON SAID HE WOULD WALK HIM AND TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM,
BUT I WASN'T REALLY SURE WHAT THAT MEANT.
I WONDERED WHAT HE WAS DOING WITH MY DOG.
THEN THE GUY DOG SAYS TO THE GIRL DOG,
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU ROLLED IN TONIGHT,
BUT IT SURE SMELLS LOVELY."
[ALL LAUGHING]
WHOO!
OKAY, SO MAYBE IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE,
BUT I REALLY DIDN'T LIKE THE IDEA
OF MASON USING MY DOG
FOR SOME EVIL SCHEME TO BAG WOMEN.
THAT'S RIGHT, MY DOG.
I KNEW SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE,
SOMETHING DRASTIC.
AH, GOOD TIMING.
I WAS ABOUT TO SCARF THE LAST HOT POCKET.
DON'T LET ME DO IT NO MATTER HOW MUCH I BEG.
COME ON IN.
THANKS FOR LETTING US STAY HERE.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST STRAYS
TO FIND SHELTER AT CHEZ DELORES.
GOD KNOWS I'VE TAKEN IN MY FAIR SHARE
OF DRIFTERS.
SHAME ABOUT THE HOMELESS...
THEY ARE DESPERATE, PASSIONATE LOVERS,
BUT THEY WILL ROB YOU BLIND.
I'M NOT GOING TO ROB YOU.
I JUST DON'T EXACTLY KNOW WHERE HOME IS THESE DAYS.
STAY AS LONG AS YOU LIKE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
"HOME IS WHERE THE HERBIG."
WOULD YOU LIKE A TOUR?
SURE.
WELL, IT'S ACTUALLY MORE OF A TWIRL.
THIS IS IT.
[GEORGE]: IT'S NICE.
CLEAN.
I LIKE TO LOOK AT EVERY INCH AS AN OPPORTUNITY.
HEY, DELORES, WHERE'S YOUR CAT?
MURRAY?
HOW SWEET TO REMEMBER.
MURRAY'S AWAY.
DIALYSIS, THREE DAYS A WEEK.
I'M SORRY. MM...
THIS IS MY SNOOZE BIN.
YOU'RE WELCOME TO BUNK WITH ME
IF YOU DON'T MIND MY NIGHT SWEATS.
KIDDING. THOSE ENDED WEEKS AGO.
OVER HERE IS WHERE I PUZZLE.
I GOT A REAL HEAD-SCRATCHER ON MY HANDS
WITH THIS ONE. TONIGHT, WE MAKE A BIG PUSH.
AND OVER HERE...
THIS IS CENTRAL OPS.
THIS IS WHERE I MAKE ALL MY TO-DO LISTS,
BUT THE DOING HAPPENS IN THE ENTIRE APARTMENT.
ARE YOU A DOER IN THE HOME, MILLIE?
UM, MORE OF A T.V. WATCHER.
WELL, YOU CAME TO THE WRONG PLACE, LAZYBONES.
YOU TAKE A COUPLE OF SECONDS
TO GET YOUR BEARINGS,
AND THEN YOU AND I
ARE GOING TO BE BUSY LITTLE BEAVERS.
[SIZZLING]
[EXHALES]
DAMMIT.
[ANGUS]: YOUR PCs ARE BUBBLING. MY WHAT?
YOUR PANCAKES. I'LL GET 'EM.
YOU'VE GOT TO FLIP THEM OVER BEFORE THE BUBBLES BURST
OR THEY LOSE THEIR ELASTICITY.
PUT A LITTLE WRIST IN IT. YOU WANT TO FLIP THEM, NOT FLOP THEM.
I'M FLIPPING. YOU'RE FLOPPING.
I'M FLIPPING. WHAT'S THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE?
IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE,
WE'RE KNEE-DEEP IN WATER WITHOUT A PADDLE.
OKAY, PLATE THEM.
YO, TIME, TIME. DUDE, YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART.
BANANA BONANZA'S GOT A THREE STACK.
YOU'VE GOT TO AXLE-GREASE 'EM.
PARDON? BUTTER!
ALL RIGHT, MAN, YOU'RE KILLING ME.
BUTTER, MY FRIEND. THAT'S ELEMENTAL.
I'VE BEEN EATING BANANA BONANZAS
20 YEARS. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
YOU KNOW HOW TO EAT THEM. THAT'S ALL YOU KNOW.
DRENCH 'EM, DON'T DROWN 'EM. SHOW A LITTLE FINESSE.
IT'S FUCKING BUTTER ON PANCAKES!
IF THAT'S THE ATTITUDE,
WE MIGHT AS WELL ASK FOR THE CHECK.
IT STIFLES THE LEARNING
IF YOU'RE GOING TO CRITICIZE AND TEACH IN THE SAME BREATH.
OKAY, NOW, THIS IS MICHELANGELO.
PLEASE, NO FINGER PAINTING.
YOU KNOW, I'M GIVING YOU WISDOM.
I'M GIVING YOU "ANCIENT CHINESE SECRET."
I'M GIVING YOU RECIPES
THAT HAVE BEEN PASSED DOWN GENERATION TO GENERATION,
RECIPES THAT ORIGINATED ON THE MOORS OF SCOTLAND.
BANANA BONANZAS ORIGINATED ON THE MOORS OF SCOTLAND?
EGGS!
SHIT. [BELL DINGS]
RUN ZIPPLE.
WHAT'S THAT? THE SPOON WITH THE HOLES.
IT'S CALLED "THE LINE" BECAUSE IT'S LIKE BEING ON THE FRONT LINES
AND YOU'RE THE GENERAL. EVERY SOFT-POACHED EGG THAT TURNS HARD
IS LIKE A SOLDIER WHO DIED IN YOUR ARMS.
BANG, ANOTHER MAN DOWN.
REST IN PEACE.
I LIKE LEAVING FOLDED LAUNDRY OUT FOR A MOMENT
BEFORE I DRAWER IT.
LET IT BREATHE.
HEY, DON'T QUIT ON ME NOW.
THE NIGHT IS YOUNG
AND THERE'S MUCH TO BE DONE,
AND THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT,
GETTING THINGS DONE.
HEY, HOW ABOUT WE LAY SOME NEW CONTACT PAPER
ON THE CABINET SHELVES? COME ON.
I COULDN'T DECIDE
BETWEEN FERNS AND FLOWERS AND COUNTRY ROSE,
SO I BOUGHT A ROLL OF EACH. WHAT DO YOU LIKE?
[CUCKOO] OH.
HUH.
DID YOU PUT DETERGENT IN THE DISHWASHER?
NO. I THOUGHT YOU DID.
OH, SILLY US.
WELL, WE'LL JUST HAVE TO LOCATE THOSE DISHES
AND WASH THEM AGAIN.
THE COMPUTER TOLD YOU THAT?
NO. STINKY5000 TOLD ME THAT.
LOOKS LIKE HE'S ALSO VOTING
FOR FERNS AND FLOWERS.
WHO'S VOTING?
OH, MY GOSH. [GASPS] DIDN'T I TELL YOU?
I HAVE MY OWN WEBSITE,
"GETTING THINGS DONE WITH DELORES."
[GEORGE]: NO FUCKING WAY.
WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY THAT JUST SPEEDS ALONG.
AND WITH MOST PEOPLE SO BUSY,
CHARACTER-BUILDING, ORDINARY, EVERYDAY CHORES
JUST FALL BY THE WAYSIDE.
THAT'S WHY PEOPLE LIKE WATCHING ME GETTING THINGS DONE.
THERE'S A CAMERA THERE,
AND THERE, AND THERE, AND THERE,
BUT NOT IN THE BATHROOM.
FOLKS LOOKING AT ME IN THE POTTY
WOULD BE JUST PLAIN WRONG.
[GEORGE]: AS OPPOSED TO WATCHING HER EVERYWHERE ELSE,
WHICH IS JUST PLAIN INSANE.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT CALLING IT "HERBIG WEBSITE",
BUT I WAS WORRIED I'D ATTRACT PEOPLE
WITH A FETISH FOR, YOU KNOW, BIG THINGS.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
SO PEOPLE ACTUALLY PAY TO WATCH YOU?
I DO GET TWO CENTS EVERY TIME SOMEONE CLICKS ON,
BUT THAT'LL GO STRAIGHT TO MY FAVORITE CHARITY,
THE AMERICAN AMPUTEE ASSOCIATION.
[GEORGE]: OH, CHRIST, MY BOSS HAS A WOODEN LEG.
MY GOOD FRIEND REBECCA RANDALL CLIMBED EVEREST.
THE GOOD NEWS IS SHE MADE THE SUMMIT.
THE BAD NEWS IS SHE LOST ALL 10 LITTLE INDIANS.
SHE KEEPS TIPPING OVER.
NO BALANCE, POOR DEAR.
[CUCKOO]
OH! HUNGRY GIRL WANTS TO KNOW THE DOG'S NAME.
UM... J.D.
MM-HMM, AND WHAT DOES THE J.D. STAND FOR?
I DON'T KNOW.
[BEEPING]
WELL, ENOUGH CHATTING.
WE'VE GOT TO GET THINGS DONE.
OH...
[CUCKOO]
SO HE DIDN'T CROSS OVER.
WHAT A PAIN IN THE ASS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?
I HAVE NO CLUE.
YOU LIKE BASEBALL?
NOT REALLY.
I DID ONCE BLOW BABE RUTH.
WHO DIDN'T?
SO THIS GUY'S UP AT BAT,
THE PITCHER PITCHES THE BALL,
BATTER DOESN'T SWING.
THE UMPIRE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING.
THE BATTER TURNS AROUND AND SAYS, "SO WHAT WAS IT?"
BALL OR STRIKE?"
UMPIRE SAYS,
"IT AIN'T NOTHING TILL I CALL IT."
THIS FUCKING GUY HERE... THIS FUCKING GUY
HAS BEEN CALLED OUT ON STRIKES. [BELL DINGS]
[DAISY]: AND WON'T GET OUT OF THE BATTER'S BOX.
WON'T GET OUT OF THE BATTER'S BOX.
IT'S A CHEESEBURGER.
TRY NOT TO FUCK IT UP.
SEE THE WAY HE TALKS TO ME?
YEAH.
[GEORGE]: THE THOUGHT THAT PEOPLE WERE WATCHING ME SLEEP
KEPT ME AWAKE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDERING
WHO ACTUALLY LIKED TO WATCH DELORES
GETTING THINGS DONE,
AND WHAT WERE THOSE PEOPLE GETTING DONE
WHILE THEY WERE WATCHING HER?
OH, BABY, DRY THOSE DISHES.
UH-HUH...
YOU DRY THEM...
MAKE 'EM SQUEAKY CLEAN...
OH, YEAH...
USE THE HAND TOWEL... OH, YEAH.
I NEEDED TO FIND A PLACE TO SLEEP.
[GRUNTS]
WHAT?
DON'T SAY A WORD.
IT'S MY LIFE, MY APARTMENT, MY DOG.
YOU'RE THE GUEST, YOU'RE THE FREELOADER,
AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,
YOU CAN KISS MY DEAD ASS GOODBYE.
ARE WE CLEAR?
AND YOU.
A DOG IN A HOT TUB?
THAT'S JUST SICK.
DOG IN A HOT TUB?
NO CLUE.
NOT BAD.
NOT BAD? COME ON, THAT IS SPOT ON.
THAT IS MICHELANGELO.
FLOAT 'EM AND BOAT 'EM.
THIS GUY WANTS THE CHEESE MELTED ON THE BREAD,
NOT ON THE PATTY, AND HE WANTS KRAUT ON IT.
FINE. THAT'LL BE A MINUTE. NO, NO. THAT'S HOW IT STARTS.
YOU GIVE IN ON ONE PIECE OF CHEESE, NEXT THING YOU KNOW
YOU'RE MAKING A RIB EYE, WELL-DONE, SMOTHERED IN KETCHUP.
YOU'RE BEING MELODRAMATIC.
I'M NOT BEING MELODRAMATIC.
I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
I'M JUST MAKING IT, I'M NOT PAYING FOR IT.
[ANGUS]: OH, YOU PAY FOR IT IN WAYS
YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.
SENDING BACK A DISH IS A HOSTILE ACT.
IT'S A SHOT ACROSS THE BOUGH.
YOU'RE THE GENERAL.
ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE ORDERS FROM A FUCKING CUSTOMER?
YEAH. HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
YOU ORDERED A PATTY MELT?
YEAH. IS THERE A PROBLEM?
WELL, THAT'S MORE OF A MISCONCEPTION.
I'M CONCERNED YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A PATTY MELT IS.
PATTY MELT NOT ONLY IMPLIES WHAT IT IS,
BUT ALSO HOW IT'S PREPARED.
THE CHEESE IS MELTED ON THE PATTY.
YEAH, I LIKE THE CHEESE MELTED ON THE BREAD.
THAT WOULD BE A BREAD MELT,
OR AS IT'S COMMONLY KNOWN, A GRILLED CHEESE.
HOW'S ABOUT I MAKE YOU A NICE GRILLED CHEESE?
I DON'T WANT A GRILLED CHEESE.
I WANT A PATTY MELT WITH KRAUT
WITH THE CHEESE MELTED ON THE BREAD.
I'M SORRY. I CAN'T DO THAT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU CAN'T DO THAT?
YOU GIVE IN ON ONE LITTLE THING,
AND YOU COMPROMISE, YOU COMPROMISE,
YOU COMPROMISE
UNTIL YOU'RE THE SHELL OF A MAN, BEATEN DOWN,
AND YOU STAND FOR NOTHING.
I WANT TO TALK TO THE MANAGER.
A DISH IS A COLLECTION OF FLAVORS,
CONSISTENCIES.
YOU START SWAPPING INGREDIENTS
IN THAT CAREFULLY THOUGHT-OUT MELANGE,
IT'S LIKE FUCKING WITH A JENGA TOWER OF TASTES.
I'M CONCERNED YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING FOR.
I KNOW WHAT I'M ASKING FOR.
WELL, KRAUT ON DER PATTY MELT
IS AKIN TO KNOCKING THE TOWER DOWN
WITH A WRECKING BALL.
THEN WHY IS IT CALLED "DER PATTY MELT"
IF THERE AIN'T NO KRAUT ON IT?
"DER" IS GERMAN FOR "THE."
THE WAFFLE HAUS...
THE PATTY MELT.
WELL, I WANT DER FUCKING PATTY MELT
WITH DER FUCKING CHEESE
MELTED ON DER FUCKING BREAD WITH DER FUCKING KRAUT ON IT.
YOU GOT IT?
NO, YOU GOT IT,
ON DER HAUS.
HE FUCKED WITH THE WRONG COOK TODAY, HUH, ANGUS?
ANGUS?
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO BACK HERE?
ME?
NO ONE.
WELL, I GOT A NEW GUY COMING IN TODAY.
HE WORKED DOWN AT IHOP FOR YEARS,
SO HE'S REALLY GOOD.
THAT'S GREAT.
SO THIS'LL BE YOUR LAST SHIFT,
AND I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR HELPING OUT.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU KNOW, I COULD HELP YOU SHOW THE NEW GUY THE ROPES.
I MEAN, THE OVEN'S TEMPERAMENTAL.
IT'S ALWAYS 25 DEGREES HOTTER THAN IT READS,
AND WHEN HE DOES HIS BELGIAN WAFFLES, YOU KNOW THE TRICK?
VANILLA.
A PINCH OF NUTMEG IN THE HOT CHOCOLATE
MAKES IT TASTE LIKE CHRISTMAS ALL YEAR ROUND.
BOY, YOU DIDN'T JUST EAT HERE.
YOU REALLY WATCHED ANGUS COOK.
YEAH.
THE MAN HAD A GIFT.
MILLIE...
MAY I HAVE A MOMENT?
SURE.
THIS IS DIFFICULT TO SAY.
ESPECIALLY NOW...
I ALWAYS FIND IT HARD TO MAINTAIN AUTHORITY
AFTER I'VE SHARED A BED WITH SOMEONE.
SURE.
I JUST PRINTED THE POSTINGS
FROM THE "GETTING THINGS DONE WITH DELORES" WEBSITE,
AND I'M SORRY TO SAY
THE RESPONSE TO YOUR VISIT...
WAS NOT WHAT I HOPED.
LISTEN, DELORES...
PUREATTITUDE47 DESCRIBED YOU
AS "LETHARGIC" AND "UNINSPIRING,"
AND TRUTHMACHINE8 SAID HE WENT TO BED
FEELING LIKE NOTHING HAD BEEN ACCOMPLISHED.
MILLIE, THIS JUST WON'T DO.
LISTEN, DELORES, DON'T WORRY ABOUT KICKING ME OUT...
I JUST THINK
THERE MIGHT BE A BETTER ENVIRONMENT FOR YOU
SOMEPLACE ELSE, SOMEPLACE A LITTLE SLOWER,
WHERE YOU CAN GET THINGS DONE AT YOUR OWN PACE.
I'M SORRY THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT.
WELL...
MAYBE THIS IS JUST THE SPARK YOU NEED
TO LIGHT A FIRE UNDER THAT ASS
YOU SO LIKE TO SIT ON.
[MICROWAVE DINGS]
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
THERE'S A HOT POCKET IN THE MICROWAVE
CALLING MY NAME. DON'T TRY TO STOP ME.
[GEORGE]: SO J.D. AND I WANDERED THROUGH THE PARK
ONE LAST TIME
BEFORE I TOOK HIM HOME.
I THINK SOME PEOPLE WANDER BECAUSE THAT'S WHO THEY ARE.
WANDERING IS WHAT GIVES THEM OXYGEN.
IT'S THE WANDERING THAT ALLOWS THEM TO LIVE.
[INHALES] I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK
THAT THAT'S THE KIND OF PERSON I WAS,
THE KIND OF PERSON
FOR WHOM ONE JOB, ONE LOVE,
EVEN ONE LIFE,
WASN'T GOING TO BE ENOUGH TO HOLD ME,
AND THEN THERE ARE THOSE WHO WANDER
BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO GO,
TO CALL HOME.
SO I TOOK J.D. HOME.
COME ON.
STAY.
YOU BE GOOD.
YOU BE GOOD, J.D.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
STAY. YOU STAY.
STAY.
AND WHO ARE YOU?
J.D.
ARE YOU LOST, J.D.?
ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN COME IN.
COME ON.
[GEORGE]: MAYBE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS TO SOME SOULS.
MAYBE THEY GET LOST.
MAYBE THEY HAVE TO WANDER
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT QUITE AT PEACE YET.
MAYBE THERE'S SOME KIND OF UNFINISHED BUSINESS
WITH THESE KINDS OF SOULS,
LIKE THEY'RE HOLDING ON TO SOMETHING,
HOLDING THEIR BREATH,
AND WHEN THE BUSINESS IS DONE,
THEY CAN FINALLY LET GO,
EXHALE,
AND SLEEP.
THE DOG'S IN THE BED.
WILL THE DOG BE SLEEPING IN THE BED?
[REGGIE]: MAYBE.
WILL YOU BE SLEEPING IN THE BED?
MAYBE.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK J.D. STANDS FOR?
JUST DOG.
I KIND OF LIKE THAT.
GET THE DOG OFF THE BED, REGGIE.
[DOOR CLOSES]
THAT WAS MY MOTHER.
[BAGPIPES PLAYING]