[GEORGE] EVERY REAPER HAS THEIR OWN DISTINCT STYLE...
YOU KNOW, THOSE LITTLE PERSONAL TOUCHES
THAT MAKE DEATH SO SPECIAL.
DON'T I NEED TO BE CROSSING OVER,
OR PASSING ON, OR SOMETHING?
YOU AIN'T GOING NOWHERE UNTIL I FILL MY QUOTA.
COOL IT, SIR.
I'M GOING TO SAY THIS AS POLITELY AS POSSIBLE.
I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
SHE'S A STRANGE 11-YEAR-OLD.
SHE'S JUST GOING THROUGH A DIFFICULT TIME.
SHE'S BEEN STEALING TOILET SEATS
AND BRINGING HOME DEAD ANIMALS.
YOU THINK SLAPPING UP SOME PHOTOS WILL STOP THAT?
I THINK IT'D BE MORE PRODUCTIVE IF I TALKED TO REGGIE ALONE
FOR THE REST OF TODAY'S SESSION.
HEY, YOU LIKE THE LADIES, RIGHT?
OH, BLOODY HELL.
HOW YOU DOING?
I DON'T THINK SO.
J.D...
J.D., COME!
[TIRES SQUEALING] [OLD LADY SCREAMING]
WHO'S GOING TO TAKE CARE OF J.D.?
WELL, WHO ARE YOU?
[♪♪]
THE BEST MEMORIES DON'T HAVE A CHANCE.
YOU KEEP COMING BACK TO THEM,
AND EVERY TIME YOU DO, YOU COOK THEM A LITTLE MORE.
DAD, DO YOU WANT ONE OF MY BLUEBERRY PANCAKES
WHEN THEY COME?
YEAH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, GEORGIA.
I'LL TRADE YOU ONE OF YOUR BLUEBERRY PANCAKES
FOR TWO PIECES OF MY BACON.
IT'S A DEAL,
BUT YOU COULD HAVE HAD A BLUEBERRY PANCAKE FOR FREE.
GOAL!
WHOO!
AFTER A WHILE, ALL YOU HAVE LEFT
IS THIS TINY CRISPY FRAGMENT.
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU EVEN REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED ANYMORE.
IT'S MORE LIKE IT'S THE IDEA OF WHAT HAPPENED,
AND SUNDAY MORNINGS WERE THE BEST.
THE KETCHUP.
GEORGIA!
THE KETCHUP. GEORGE. THE KETCHUP.
OH, SORRY.
I KNOW IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS,
BUT YOU ARE A VERY INTERNAL LITTLE CREATURE.
YOU ALWAYS SAY SOMETHING'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS,
AND THEN YOU ACT LIKE IT IS.
I'M NOT INTERNAL.
YOU ARE. THAT'S WHY YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME ALONE,
AND WHY YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
NOW, ROXY HERE, SHE'S AS EXTERNAL AS THEY GET.
YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
I KNOW YOUR MOODS. GRUMPY.
MEAN AND GRUMPY. SLEEPY AND GRUMPY.
LIKE THE SEVEN DWARVES.
DAISY, YOU WERE AN ACTRESS, THEN.
DID YOU EVER SLEEP WITH A DWARF? DID YOU BLOW A DWARF?
DON'T BE STUPID. THEY'RE CARTOONS.
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU DO MY JOB FOR ONE DAY.
WHEN THERE'S A BROADWAY MUSICAL
ABOUT YOUR STYLELESS BUT FUNCTIONAL SHOES,
I WILL GLADLY WALK A MILE IN THEM.
MAY I PLEASE HAVE MY ASSIGNMENT?
IT'S OVER AT THE COLLEGE. PARKING'S A NIGHTMARE.
I DON'T HAVE A CAR.
PARKING'S STILL A NIGHTMARE.
I'M GOING TO COME WITH YOU.
I LIKE TO DO THINGS ON MY OWN.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. YOU'RE TRYING TO SCORE SOME SWEET YOUNG THING.
OH, COME ON, DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU
THAT BEING AROUND ALL THAT YOUTHFUL ENERGY MIGHT INSPIRE ME?
THEN YOU COULD STEAL A SHITLOAD OF DRUGS.
ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND IT GOES,
WHERE IT STOPS, NOBODY KNOWS.
YOU KNOW THAT MOMENT AFTER YOU'VE BEEN DEAD A WHILE
WHEN YOU BEGIN TO SUSPECT
THINGS MIGHT BE COMING BACK TO NORMAL IN YOUR FAMILY?
OKAY, MAYBE YOU DON'T.
WELL, I THINK THAT MAY HAVE HAPPENED TO MY FAMILY.
THE WEIRD PART IS MY FAMILY NEVER WAS NORMAL BEFORE.
HEY, YOU KNOW THAT IRISH SETTER I HAD GROWING UP? FRECKLES?
YEAH, YOUR MOM SHOWED ME PICTURES.
YEAH, SHE LOATHED THAT DOG.
SHE TOLD ME THAT WHILE SHE WAS SHOWING ME PICTURES.
WELL, ONE DAY, IT TOOK A CRAP IN ONE OF HER SHOES.
THAT WAS ALL SHE WROTE.
SO, MY DAD, HE CAN'T BEAR TO PUT THE THING TO SLEEP,
SO HE ANNOUNCES HE'S GOING TO DRIVE FRECKLES UP MT. TAM
AND SET HIM FREE.
IN THE WOODS?
IN THE WOODS.
HE SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT WITH YOUR MOTHER.
NO, HE KEPT THEM BOTH.
IT ONLY SAYS "SEVENTH FLOOR. R.L. GUGGENHEIM."
THIS A DUMP.
WELL, WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?
I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING A BIT MORE COLLEGIATE.
HOLY SHIT. JEEZ...
THAT WAS MY BONG, DOUCHEBAG!
BUT IT'S NICE.
I COULD HAVE GONE TO COLLEGE.
WELL, UP UNTIL I HIT MY TEACHER
ON THE HEAD WITH A BOOK...
OR MAYBE IT WAS A GLOBE.
I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I HIT MY TEACHER WITH.
WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
UH... PRIMARY,
SO I GUESS I WAS SEVEN OR EIGHT.
MY MOTHER WAS MORE EXCITED
ABOUT ME GOING TO COLLEGE THAN I WAS.
IT WAS LIKE, "HEY, HERE'S A SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE WAY"
TO EVICT MY DAUGHTER FROM OUR HOUSE."
BUT YOU DIDN'T GO.
NO, I WENT, I JUST DROPPED OUT,
AND SHE HATED ME FOR IT.
WELL, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
YOUR FATHER MUST HAVE SHIT.
HE DIDN'T SAY MUCH, REALLY.
WE WEREN'T REALLY CLOSE AT THAT POINT.
WHY?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHEN I WAS A KID, WE WERE REALLY CLOSE.
HE USED TO LET ME DRINK COKE AT BREAKFAST.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS REALLY COOL.
DAD, DO THE STRAW TRICK.
THAT NEVER GETS OLD.
COLLEGE IS TWO THINGS.
FORGET WHAT THEY PUT IN LATIN AROUND THE SEAL.
IT IS NOT ABOUT VERITAS OR FRATERNITAS.
COLLEGE IS ABOUT STRESS-I-TAS AND BINGE-I-TAS.
STRESS...
BINGE.
HAS ANYONE SEEN A PINK INDEX CARD
WITH CALCULUS EQUATIONS ON IT?
STRESS... FUCK ME!
BINGE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS WORRIED ABOUT.
I DIDN'T HAVE ANY PAPERS DUE.
I HADN'T JUST BROKEN UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND.
I DIDN'T FEEL STUPID AND ALONE,
BUT JUST BEING NEAR ALL THESE PEOPLE WHO DID
MADE ME WANT TO SCREAM OR CRY.
DRUGS?
NO, THANK YOU.
ANTIDEPRESSANTS, AMOXICILLIN.
EVERYONE'S TAKING AMOXICILLIN.
WELL, GOOD FOR THEM.
HEY, LISTEN, I HAVE THIS THEORY
THAT ALL THIS ELITIST COLLEGE CRAP
IS JUST A FRONT FOR THE BACTERIA.
NOW, BACTERIA CREATES THE COLLEGES
TO HAVE THE PERFECT PLACE
TO BREED AND EVOLVE, YOU KNOW?
LET'S JUST FIND THIS GUY AND GET OUT OF HERE.
"LIKE AS THE WAVES MAKE TOWARDS THE PEBBLED SHORE,
"SO DO OUR MINUTES HASTEN TO THEIR END,
"EACH CHANGING PLACE
WITH THAT WHICH GOES BEFORE."
READING POETRY TO A GOOD-LOOKING GUY IN MY DORM ROOM?
THIS IS SOMETHING I'LL NEVER DO.
HEY, SENORITA!
MAKE WAY FOR BUTROS BUTROS NITROUS,
POR FAVOR.
SOMETHING ELSE I'LL NEVER DO.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
NOTHING.
"AND NOTHING STANDS BUT FOR HIS SCYTHE TO MOW,
"AND YET, TO TIMES, IN HOPE, MY VERSE SHALL STAND,
PRAISING THY WORTH, DESPITE HIS CRUEL HAND."
DO YOU GET THIS?
YEAH, YEAH. VERY MOVING.
YOU WANT A BEER?
NO.
I JUST THOUGHT WE COULD RELAX A LITTLE BIT.
FUCK!
WELL, NO, JUST LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN, OKAY?
HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY PINK INDEX CARD?
IS YOUR NAME RICH GUGGENHEIM?
FUCK! YES! I AM.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
BIG TEST, HUH?
YEAH. WELL, NO. WHO CARES?
I GOT THE NUMBER OF THIS GIRL ON HERE.
HER NAME IS JENNY.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN FATE?
KIND OF.
WE MET BY THE VENDING MACHINES
IN THE BASEMENT OF THE MED LIBRARY.
THEY HAVE YOO-HOO. WHATEVER.
SHE WAS SINGING THAT OLD FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD SONG,
"DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE?"
AND I HAD KA-ZAA'D THAT, LIKE, THE NIGHT BEFORE,
AND I SAID TO HER,
"WE SHOULD JUST GET IN THE CAR AND DRIVE TO SAN JOSE,"
YOU KNOW, FUCK ALL THIS,
AND SHE TURNS TO ME, AND SHE'S ALMOST CRYING,
YOU KNOW, WITH HER YOO-HOO AND SHIT, AND...
AND SHE SAYS, "I'VE NEVER BEEN TO CALIFORNIA."
LET'S DO IT AFTER FINALS,"
AND SHE WROTE HER NUMBER DOWN.
THIS IS IT.
JENNY.
I THINK WE'RE REALLY GOING TO GO.
YOU SHOULD.
JENNY MAY GET TO CALIFORNIA SOMEDAY,
BUT IT WON'T BE WITH HIM.
SHIT!
MEANWHILE, THE CLASS CLOWNS WERE FUCKING WITH THE LAWS OF PHYSICS.
IT'S OKAY.
WATCH OUT!
DUDE? DUDE...
I THINK IT'S TIME WE GO.
SHE WANTED IT OPEN.
STOP IT.
I HEAR YOU AND RESPECT THAT YOU SAY NO,
BUT I THINK I CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND.
GET OFF OF ME! STOP IT!
I JUST REMEMBERED WHAT I HIT MY TEACHER WITH.
YOU'VE GOT, LIKE, ONE SECOND.
SO, WAS THAT KID IN THE HALL REALLY DEAD?
YEAH. HE WAS.
GOD, I'VE NEVER SEEN A REAL DEAD PERSON BEFORE.
HAVE YOU?
NO. NO.
MOST GUYS ON CAMPUS ARE LIKE YOU.
THEY'RE NORMAL, SWEET.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I WAS STUDYING WITH THIS GUY.
IT LOOKED PRETTY BAD.
WELL, I HAD PEPPER SPRAY RIGHT ON MY KEYS,
BUT I WAS JUST, LIKE, YOU KNOW, "IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?"
YOU HAD A BRAIN FREEZE.
I GET THEM... ALL THE TIME.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I WISH I COULD JUST, LIKE, BE AWAKE,
YOU KNOW, IN THE MOMENT, WHEN IT'S HAPPENING.
OR HAVE, LIKE, A PAUSE BUTTON OR SOMETHING
SO YOU CAN HAVE TIME TO REACT.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, EXACTLY.
YOU KNOW, I'M SUCH AN EXPERT ON LIFE AFTER SHIT HAPPENS.
GOD, LIFE IS JUST TOO FAST.
IS IT WRONG TO DECIDE SOMEONE IS SUCH A GREAT PERSON
BECAUSE THEY'RE SO MUCH LIKE YOU?
OH, SHOOT. I'VE GOT LAUNDRY AT THE COIN-OP.
I COULD GIVE YOU A RIDE.
A RIDE IN WHAT?
YOU HAVE A CAR?
YEAH.
OKAY, GOD, THIS IS GOING TO SOUND SO SHALLOW,
BUT, UM, I LIKE TO GUESS WHAT PEOPLE DRIVE.
YEAH.
YEAH, I'M CURIOUS TOO.
OKAY, UM...
I THINK THAT YOU WOULD RATHER WALK
THAN DRIVE SOMETHING THAT DIDN'T SUIT YOU, SO...
I'M GOING TO GO WITH... CLASSIC TRANS AM. RED.
THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
UNCANNY.
OH, MY GOD, I GOT IT RIGHT?
YES.
IN FACT, I'M GOING TO GO...
GO AND GET IT NOW. A RED ONE? RED ONE.
YEAH.
UH, MASON, DON'T FORGET OUR...
THING.
YEAH, YEAH.
[WHISTLES]
HE'S KIND OF CUTE.
DO YOU GUYS...
OH, NO. UH, NO.
SO, UM, WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR?
OH MY GOD, THAT'S... THAT'S SO QUEER.
UH, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
RUBE ALWAYS SAID DON'T GET TOO CLOSE TO THE LIVING.
JUST STAY ON THE PERIPHERY.
DON'T TELL HER WHO YOU ARE.
GIVE HER YOUR UNDEAD NAME.
I'M MILLIE.
CHARLOTTE.
OH, I KNOW, SHAKING HANDS IS SO WEIRD.
HEY, YOU WANT TO GO GET SOME COFFEE?
I GUESS THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY
WHEN SOMEONE'S HAVING A FUCKED-UP DAY?
YEAH, IS THAT WHAT IT SAYS
IN THE "GIRLS WHO MAKE BAD DECISIONS" MANUAL?
PAGE THREE.
UM, IS YOUR FRIEND GOING TO BE OKAY?
YEAH, HE'LL BE FINE.
OKAY.
[CAR ALARM GOING OFF]
AS YOU GET OLDER,
THE CHANCE OF MAKING A REALLY GOOD NEW FRIEND
IS PROBABLY ABOUT THE SAME AS BEING HIT BY A TRUCK,
AND IF YOU'RE HIT BY A TRUCK, WHICH IS TO SAY DEAD,
THE CHANCES OF MAKING A GOOD FRIEND ARE EVEN SLIMMER,
SO WHEN I REMEMBERED I HAD A LUNCH DATE WITH CHARLOTTE,
I FELT SOMETHING NEW SINCE I DIED...
I FELT LUCKY.
MASON WAS FEELING SOMETHING NEW TOO.
MEANWHILE, ROXY WAS JUST DOING HER JOB,
WORKING FOR THE MAN,
WHEN SHE RAN INTO A BAD ONE...
ALL RIGHT, TAKE IT BACK.
THE TICKET'S ALREADY BEEN WRITTEN.
THEY DON'T GO BACK.
OH, RIGHT.
OKAY, THEN, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHOVE THOSE TICKETS
WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE, MISS?
STEP ASIDE, SIR.
AS I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY, IF YOU HAVE A COMPLAINT, THERE'S A SYSTEM IN PLACE.
YOUR SYSTEM CAN SUCK MY DICK, MISS, OKAY?
NOW, I AIN'T EVER GOING TO PAY THOSE FUCKING TICKETS,
SO JUST TAKE YOUR TICKETS,
PUT THEM IN YOUR FUCKING POCKET AND WALK OFF.
YOU NEED TO STEP OFF.
STEP OFF?
STEP OFF...
OKAY. OKAY...
STEP OFF!
SIR! THAT IS CITY PROPERTY!
YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME, OKAY?
I AIN'T NEVER GOING TO PAY THOSE TICKETS!
SO YOU TAKE THEM BACK!
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR GODDAMN FUCKING RULES,
SO YOU TAKE THESE GODDAMN TICKETS BACK!
HO... HO... HOLD UP, NOW!
NOW, I CAN TOLERATE YOU CURSING ME OUT,
SCREAMING AT ME, DISRESPECTING MY VEHICLE,
BUT DON'T YOU EVER PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME.
AND THAT'S WHEN ROXY DECIDED
SHE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT BREAKING THE RULES EITHER.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I AM TRYING TO DO MY JOB, WHICH IS DEFINITELY MY DAY JOB.
IF YOU KEEP FUCKING WITH ME,
THERE ARE OTHER SKILLS I CAN EMPLOY
THAT WILL GIVE YOUR LIFE A TURN FOR THE STRANGE AND THE PAINFUL.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
SHAKESPEARE SONNETS.
WHAT AN ELEGANT, SLENDER VOLUME.
WHY, MASON, IS YOUR COFFEE TABLE UNEVEN?
WAIT.
IS THERE A GIRL?
SOMEONE SPECIAL YOU WANT TO SHAG?
I DON'T WANT TO SHAG HER, DAISY.
I... I DO WANT TO SHAG HER, BUT NOT IN THE USUAL WAY.
I... I LIKE HER.
OH MY.
SHE'S DIFFERENT.
SHE'S SWEET.
SHE'S SOPHISTICATED. SHE'S A COLLEGE GIRL.
A COLLEGE GIRL. HMM.
UM, WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
NOTHING.
HOW DID YOU MEET?
I HIT SOME BLOKE ON THE HEAD WHO WAS TRYING TO DATE-RAPE HER.
MMM...
A STORY TO TELL THE GRANDKIDS.
YEAH, FORGET IT.
MASON, COME ON. IT'S A BIT STRANGE SEEING YOU THIS WAY.
SHE'S DIFFERENT.
I GET THAT.
NOT TOO DIFFERENT.
OH, NO, NO. NO, IT'LL BE FINE.
YOU'LL SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET, SHOW HER THERE'S MORE TO LIFE
THAN BOOK LEARNING.
SHE'LL TEACH YOU ABOUT SALAD FORKS,
THE ROMANTIC POETS,
AND YOU'LL TEACH HER ABOUT CAR THEFT AND AMPHETAMINES.
FUCK YOU, DAISY.
I'M SORRY.
I HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT, HONEY.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
FEEL LIKE A LITTLE LUNCH, MILLIE?
UH, ACTUALLY, I HAVE PLANS TODAY.
REALLY?
YEAH, IT'S KIND OF A... LUNCH DATE.
OH.
I MEAN, NOT A DATE-DATE.
MILLIE, I HOPE YOU DON'T FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE
SAYING "NO" TO ME.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AWKWARD. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE.
I... I'M NOT.
I'M NOT ANGRY.
OKAY.
THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF LUNCHES.
UH-HUH.
SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT HAVING "PLANS."
BUT I REALLY DO HAVE A LUNCH DATE.
OKAY. IT'S JUST YOUR HONESTY IS IMPORTANT,
AND I THINK YOU SOMETIMES FORGET I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE.
I HAVE BEEN YOUNG AND ALONE.
I WILL SIMPLY SAY THIS.
AS YOU GROW,
BEING A LONER STOPS BEING SOMETHING YOU ARE ASHAMED OF
AND BECOMES SOMETHING YOU TREASURE.
HI, MILLIE. UM, SORRY I'M LATE. ARE YOU READY?
YEAH.
OKAY, BYE.
SO, DO YOU LIKE TO SHOP?
IT'S OKAY. I MEAN I'M NOT, LIKE, A FREAK ABOUT IT OR ANYTHING.
WELL, I KNOW IT SOUNDS GIRLY,
BUT I LOVE CLOTHES.
TWO WORDS I'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE...
"CUTE TOP."
WELL, UNLIKE YOU,
I GET ALL MY SELF-ESTEEM FROM MY APPEARANCE.
TWO WORDS I'VE ALSO NEVER HEARD BEFORE.
WANT TO KNOW A SECRET?
ABSOLUTELY. I LOVE SECRETS.
I'VE NEVER HAD A MANICURE.
JESUS! OKAY. NO. TOO MUCH. TOO SOON.
OH, MY GOD.
HEY, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD FROM THAT ASSHOLE?
NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM,
BUT I FILED A REPORT WITH THE CAMPUS POLICE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT?
YOU KNOW WHAT TOTALLY SUCKED ABOUT THE WHOLE THING?
THAT HE TRIED TO RAPED YOU?
YEAH, BESIDES THAT.
THE SONNETS.
I LOVE THE SONNETS, AND HE TAINTED THEM FOR ME.
THIS IS WHERE I FELT IT THE FIRST TIME...
THE UNIVERSE WAS COCKING THE FUCK-WITH-ME GUN.
"THAT TIME OF YEAR THOU MAYST IN ME BEHOLD
"WHEN YELLOW LEAVES, OR NONE, OR FEW DO HANG
"UPON THOSE BOUGHS WHICH SHAKE AGAINST THE COLD
"BARE RUINED CHOIRS
WHERE LATE THE SWEET BIRDS SANG."
OH, SO I'M TAKING THIS INCREDIBLE SEMINAR.
THE PROFESSOR'S A TOTAL TRIP. YOU SHOULD COME.
BANG.
"THAT TIME OF YEAR THOU MAYST BEHOLD IN ME
"WHEN YELLOW LEAVES, OR NONE, OR FEW DO HANG
"UPON THOSE BOUGHS
"WHICH SHAKE AGAINST THE COLD
"BARE RUINED CHOIRS WHERE LATE
THE SWEET BIRDS SANG."
SHAKESPEARE'S TRYING TO PAINT
THAT EMOTIONAL MOMENT OF A LOVE LOST.
I KNOW, I KNOW, IT'S SO OLD-SCHOOL.
"A TREE IN WINTER, BOUGHS SHAKING AGAINST THE COLD."
BLAH BLAH BLAH.
IT'S SO FAMILIAR,
BUT LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
WHO HERE HAS HAD THEIR HEART BROKEN?
YEAH. OKAY.
NOW WE KNOW WHO THE DRAMATIC ONES ARE,
BUT HERE'S MY POINT.
WHEN YOU'RE SUFFERING,
AND I MEAN YOU'RE TRULY SUFFERING,
IT'S THE CLICHES THAT HEAL YOU.
WHEN I'M SAD, GIVE ME GEORGE JONES OR WILLIE NELSON.
THAT'S THE BRILLIANCE OF THESE SONNETS.
THEY STATE THE OBVIOUS.
CLICHES ARE CLICHES
BECAUSE THEY ARE THE THINGS THAT HAVE STUCK TO THE WALL.
OUR GREATEST ARROGANCE IS TO BELIEVE THAT WE ARE ALL SPECIAL,
BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS,
WE ARE ALL UNBELIEVABLY THE SAME.
WATCHING THIS MAN ENTERTAIN HIS STUDENTS,
BE SWEET AND INSIGHTFUL AND TOUCHING,
I WAS STRUCK WITH ONE QUESTION...
WHO WAS THIS GUY,
AND WHAT HAD HE DONE WITH MY FATHER?
UH, EXCUSE ME, PROFESSOR LASS?
HI. UM, SANDY?
CHARLOTTE.
WHY DO I EVEN TRY?
UM, I JUST WANTED MY FRIEND TO MEET YOU.
I LOVE YOUR CLASS.
THANK YOU. HI.
HI.
I'M TEACHING THE COMEDIES NEXT SEMESTER.
IT'S A LITTLE LIGHTER FARE, YOU KNOW?
I LOVED THAT POEM.
IT WAS REAL HELPFUL, ESPECIALLY THE PART ABOUT NOT BEING ALONE.
AND THAT'S WHEN I KNEW I HAD NEVER MET CLANCY LASS BEFORE.
I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE IN MY FAMILY HAD.
I BROUGHT HOME A STRAY CAT ONCE...
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT A BABY, GEORGIA.
I THINK THAT YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO SEE OUR SIDE OF THIS.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE HIM TO AN ANIMAL SHELTER, SWEETIE.
THEY'LL KILL HIM!
THEY WON'T KILL HIM.
NO, THEY'RE GOING TO FIND SOME NICE FAMILY
THAT CAN TAKE CARE OF HIM.
I DON'T WANT HIM TO END UP WITH SOME NICE FAMILY.
I WANT HIM IN THIS FAMILY.
LOOK, THERE IS A BABY IN THE HOUSE NOW.
IT'S NOT A DEBATE. I'VE MADE UP MY MIND.
THIS SUCKS! YOU JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT.
GEORGIA... YOU'RE THE WORST DAD EVER!
GO TO YOUR ROOM.
I WANTED A KITTY CAT,
AND I GOT A LITTLE SISTER INSTEAD...
AND AS SIMPLE AS THAT,
THAT WAS THE END OF SOMETHING BETWEEN ME AND MY DAD.
I STARTED SLEEPING IN ON SUNDAY MORNINGS.
IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME THAT HE HADN'T CHANGED,
THAT IT WAS MY FAULT.
I'D JUST BECOME A TEENAGER.
I WONDER IF HE HAD A COKE FOR BREAKFAST WHEN I WASN'T THERE.
OH, SHIT.
I KNEW YOU'D COME BACK.
I HAVE TO GIVE YOU A TICKET.
THANK YOU.
I WROTE YOU SOMETHING TOO.
I REALIZED THAT WHEN YOU DID THE THING THAT YOU DID,
YOU KNOW, THAT THERE WERE NO WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
TO DESCRIBE IT, SO I CAME UP WITH SOME WORDS
THAT WOULD HELP OTHER PEOPLE UNDERSTAND.
"HAGGLEBLASS," THE ARGUMENT WITH GOD.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU AND ME.
"STUBBLERUD."
THE MOMENT IN THE HAGGLEBLASS
WHEN THERE'S NO TURNING BACK.
THAT'S WHEN THE HUMAN NEEDS TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON,
RIGHT, AND... HANG ON. HANG ON, SIR.
NO, DON'T CALL ME "SIR." DON'T CALL ME "SIR."
I AM NOTHING BUT A "WHISPONAUGHT,"
AN UNWORTHY ONE IN YOUR PRESENCE.
JESUS.
ARE YOU JESUS?
NO, I'M NOT JESUS.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, ANYWAY?
BEFORE THE HAGGLEBLASS, UH, THEY CALLED ME "CHUCK."
OKAY, CHUCK.
NOW, I THINK WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU BEFORE
WAS SOMETHING YOU IMAGINED.
MAYBE YOU HAD A STROKE OR SOMETHING.
WHEN YOU SEPARATED MY SOUL FROM MY BODY...
THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
YOU CURED ME OF ALL MY ANGER.
IN ONE MOMENT,
YOU GAVE ME ALL THE ANSWERS.
NOTHING HAPPENED.
EVERYTHING HAPPENED.
EVERYTHING.
DAMN.
EVERYTHING.
HELLO, GEORGIE.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE IS.
GIVE ME HER NUMBER.
SHE'S NOT INTERESTED IN YOU.
IF SHE WERE INTERESTED IN YOU, SHE WOULD HAVE MENTIONED YOU.
SHE DIDN'T MENTION YOU.
ASK HER ABOUT ME.
NO, DON'T ASK HER ABOUT ME,
BECAUSE YOU'LL TELL HER THINGS ABOUT ME.
YOU'LL STRESS THE NEGATIVES.
ASK HER ABOUT ME, GEORGIE?
I'LL ASK HER ABOUT YOU.
WHAT, WITH THAT... EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACE?
WELL, FUCK IT!
FUCK YOU.
I'LL SHOW YOU BOTH. WE'LL BE LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET, WE WILL.
YOU DO KNOW HOW THAT STORY ENDED, DON'T YOU?
IF ROMEO HAD JUST MASTURBATED
A COUPLE OF TIMES A WEEK,
HE WOULD HAVE SAVED BOTH THOSE NICE FAMILIES A HEAP OF TROUBLE.
HEY.
CHARLOTTE! UM, WHAT TIME IS IT?
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET ME OUT FRONT.
I'M EARLY. I KNOW.
DAISY ADAIR.
I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU,
I FEEL I KNOW YOU ALREADY.
AND YOU KNOW MASON.
OF COURSE. MY HERO.
WELL, WE'D BETTER BE GOING.
UH. HI.
HELLO.
THIS IS MY FRIEND, CHARLOTTE.
CHARLOTTE, THIS IS MY...
STEPDAD AND HIS WIFE.
WE REALLY HAVE TO GO.
NICE TO MEET YOU, CHARLOTTE. HONEY...
HUH?
CAN YOU RUN AN ERRAND FOR ME, SWEETHEART?
IT'S JUST A FEW BLOCKS AWAY.
DO IT FOR YOUR STEPDAD?
SURE. NO PROBLEM.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO HURRY.
OH, MY GOD. DID YOU SEE THAT?
YEAH.
NOW, THAT LOOKS A LITTLE MORE INTERESTING.
AND NOW, FOR HIS NEXT TRICK,
THE GREAT ETIENNE WILL JUGGLE...
KNIVES.
THIS IS THE ERRAND WE'RE RUNNING?
I THINK IT IS.
YOUR STEPDAD NEEDS A JUGGLER?
HE'S THROWING A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR HIS WIFE.
HE NEEDS, YOU KNOW, ENTERTAINMENT.
THAT IS SO AWESOME. GIVE ME A DOLLAR.
EDDIE DIENES, DO NOT GIVE THAT MAN MONEY.
YOU'RE ENCOURAGING STUPIDITY.
STUPID NEEDS TO MAKE A LIVING TOO!
I'M SORRY.
UH, DO YOU KNOW THAT GUY'S NAME?
UH, I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S SOMETHING FRENCH OR EQUALLY FUCKED UP.
LET'S GO GET SOME LUNCH.
WHAT ABOUT THE JUGGLER? YOUR STEPDAD'S PARTY?
TOO DANGEROUS.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYONE DIE.
WHAT'S WRONG?
JUGGLERS JUST FREAK ME OUT.
WATCH OUT, DUDE.
WHOA!
NO.
OH, MY GOD. WHAT WAS THAT?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU SMOKED A PIPE.
YOU NEED TO FIX THIS.
HE PUT HIS HANDS ON ME.
LAST TIME I CHECKED, BEING PISSED OFF WASN'T ENOUGH OF A REASON
TO REMOVE A PERSON'S SOUL FROM THEIR BODY.
DON'T DO THAT AGAIN.
I DIDN'T KNOW HE'D TURN INTO A NUT BALL.
WELL, HOW WOULD YOU HAVE RESPONDED, ROXY?
GOD APPEARED TO THE MAN.
I WOULDN'T BE MAKING UP WORDS AND SHIT.
WELL, HE'S CREATING A MYTHOLOGY TO TAKE BACK TO HIS PEOPLE.
JOSEPH SMITH HAD THE SAME THING HAPPEN TO HIM,
AND NOW THE MORMONS HAVE A MONOPOLY ON THE HOTEL INDUSTRY.
THIS IS NOTHING.
A HUNDRED YEARS FROM NOW, PEOPLE WILL HAVE
PLASTIC METER MAIDS WITH BOBBING HEADS
HANGING FROM THEIR REAR-VIEW MIRRORS.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
IT'S ABOUT RESTORING THE STATUS QUO.
THE GUY WASN'T SUPPOSED TO GET ENLIGHTENED.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GET A PARKING TICKET.
YOU'VE GOT TO TURN HIM BACK INTO A PRICK.
IF YOU EVER TAKE SOMEONE'S SOUL AGAIN
WITHOUT FIRST HAVING A POST-IT,
I'M GOING TO BREAK THIS PIPE OFF IN YOUR ASS.
YOU'RE RIGHT. THEY DO LOOK LIKE CHICKENS.
SOMEHOW YOU JUST CAN'T SEE IT RIGHTSIDE-UP.
DO YOU THINK HE LOOKS SAD?
WHO?
PROFESSOR LASS.
I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS NOT, HUH?
WELL, YOU DO KNOW HIS STORY, RIGHT?
WHAT STORY?
HIS DAUGHTER WAS THE GIRL
THAT WAS KILLED BY THE FALLING TOILET SEAT.
NO SHIT. THAT WAS HIS DAUGHTER?
YEAH, AND I THINK HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS WIFE
IS, LIKE, TOTALLY FUCKED UP.
HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?
I DON'T KNOW. HE GIVES AWAY CLUES IN CLASS.
PEOPLE TALK.
DOES HE TALK ABOUT IT?
HIS WIFE? HIS DAUGHTER.
THE ONE THAT...
HE DOESN'T REALLY SAY ANYTHING.
I GUESS HE DOESN'T REALLY THINK ABOUT IT.
NO, NO, IT'S THERE...
IN HOW HE TALKS ABOUT THE POEMS.
I DON'T KNOW, YOU CAN TELL HIS HEART...
HE'S SUFFERED, YOU KNOW?
IT'S SO STUPID, BUT I HAD THIS ONE SONNET FRAMED,
AND I DON'T KNOW,
I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HELP HIM.
I NEVER GAVE IT TO HIM, THOUGH.
WHAT WAS IT?
I MEMORIZED IT. I KNOW. I'M SUCH A GEEK.
"NO LONGER MOURN FOR ME WHEN I AM DEAD.
"NAY, IF YOU READ THIS LINE,
"REMEMBER NOT THE HAND THAT WRIT IT,
"FOR I LOVE YOU SO
"THAT IN YOUR SWEET THOUGHTS
"I'D BE FORGOT,
IF THINKING ON ME THEN SHOULD MAKE YOU WOE."
YOU KNOW, MOVE ON. SHE'D WANT IT THAT WAY.
I THINK THAT'S A MISTAKE.
WELL, I JUST THOUGHT THAT MAYBE, YOU KNOW,
IT WOULD GIVE HIM SOME COMFORT.
I DON'T KNOW. HE SEEMS READY TO MOVE ON.
I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT TIME IS IS. I'VE GOT TO GO.
HEY, UM...
CHARLOTTE HAD HURT ME,
SO I TOLD HER I NEVER WANTED TO SEE HER AGAIN
THE BEST WAY I KNOW HOW.
I'LL CALL YOU.
ONE OF THE FEW SILVER LININGS OF DYING
IS WATCHING THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE REALLY LOSE THEIR SHIT
BECAUSE THEY MISS YOU SO MUCH.
I WAS HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE SEEING IT HERE.
I HAD TO WONDER.
MAYBE THE REASON IT WAS SO EASY
FOR MY DAD TO SAY GOODBYE TO ME TWO MONTHS AGO
WAS THAT HE'D ALREADY SAID GOODBYE TO ME A LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
MOO-LOO, NU-LOO, VOO-ZOO.
MAY-NAY, LAY-NAY, VAY-ZAY.
MOO-LOO, NU-LOO, VOO-ZOO.
MAY-NAY, LAY-NAY, VAY-ZAY.
SOMEONE'S KNOCKING AT THE DOOR. MOO-LOO, NU-LOO, VOO-ZOO.
MAY-NAY, LAY-NAY, VAY-ZAY.
MOO-NOO...
I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU BREAK UP WITH ME.
MAY-LAY, MAY-LAY, VAY-ZAY...
OKAY? I'M HERE TO APOLOGIZE. THIS IS FOR YOU.
MAY-LAY, MAY-LAY, VAY-ZAY.
YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG, CHARLOTTE.
I'M JUST... SCREWED UP.
LOOK, THIS IS THE PART IN OUR FRIENDSHIP
WHERE WE START TO ADMIT THAT WE'RE NOT PERFECT.
MOO-LOO, NU-LOO, VOO-ZOO.
WHAT IS THAT NOISE?
CUTE TOP.
SO, UM, DO YOU WANT TO GO DO SOMETHING?
MOO-LOO, NU-LOO, VOO-ZOO.
SURE.
MAY-LAY, NAY-LAY, VAY-ZAY.
NO.
I WAS... I WAS PASSING BY.
I'M... I'M GOING TO GO OUT FOR THE EVENING,
AND I THOUGHT I'D STOP BY
AND SEE SOME OLD FRIENDS.
MASON... YOU LOOK STUNNING.
WAIT, WAIT. I'M GETTING THE IMAGE
OF A NAKED JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
BLEEDING BY A DUMPSTER SOMEWHERE.
OH, CHARLOTTE. YEAH, OH.
WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE.
HELLO, MASON.
WE'RE GOING OUT.
REALLY?
I... I WOULD LOVE TO JOIN YOU.
WELL, IT'S GIRLS NIGHT OUT.
WE'RE GOING OUT TO LESBIAN BARS TO DRINK JACK DANIELS
AND MAKE OUT WITH BIG WOMEN.
YOU CAN'T COME. UM...
UH, BYE.
OH...
OH, GIVE IT UP.
I LIKE HER.
SWEETIE...
THAT YOUNG WOMAN IS GOING TO GIVE HER HEART TO A NICE YOUNG MAN
WHO HAS READING GLASSES AND A TWEED JACKET
AND WHO HAS NEVER DONE BLOW
OFF THE BELLY OF A DEAD PROSTITUTE.
I LIKE HER.
I KNOW.
SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS CARDED.
YOU KNOW,
YOU DO LOOK LIKE YOU'RE TEN YEARS OLD.
SHUT UP. I LOOK AT LEAST 14.
AND THE GIGGLING DIDN'T HELP MUCH.
I'M SORRY I FREAKED OUT ON YOU TODAY.
YOU KNOW, I WAS ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT THAT.
UM, I SHOULDN'T GIVE PROFESSOR LASS THE POEM.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE IT'S NOT SO CRAZY AFTER ALL.
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING COMING FROM ME.
I HAVE NEVER LOST ANYTHING MY WHOLE LIFE.
I'VE HAD THIS COMPLETELY SHALLOW, SAFE EXISTENCE.
WELL, DON'T KNOCK IT.
I'M A VIRGIN.
YEAH, I'M IN COLLEGE, AND I'M A VIRGIN.
LOSER.
UH... YOU TOO?
WELL, IT DEPENDS ON YOUR DEFINITION.
UM, EVER BEEN LAID?
THEN, YES, TECHNICALLY, I AM A VIRGIN.
AH-HA. THANK YOU.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH STUFF.
I DON'T KNOW, I CAN JUST SENSE IT.
YOU KNOW, YOU KIND OF REMIND ME OF HIM,
THE WAY HE TALKS ABOUT LOVE... AND LOSS.
OH, HIS EYES...
YOU KNOW, I'M JUST GOING TO GIVE IT TO HIM.
I'M GOING TO GIVE HIM THE SONNET.
ALL RIGHT, CHEERS.
I HAD YOUR CAR TOWED.
IT'S GOING TO COST YOU $375 TO GET IT BACK,
PLUS ALL THE TICKETS,
AND THEY BUSTED YOUR DOOR TRYING TO GET IN,
SO YOU COULD KISS YOUR CAR RADIO GOODBYE.
YOU'RE A VENGEFUL GOD.
I CAN APPRECIATE
THAT YOU THINK YOU HAD SOME KIND OF REVELATION,
BUT I AM JUST A METER MAID,
AND YOU ARE JUST A DUMB-ASS REDNECK.
THAT'S WHO WE ARE,
SO WE CAN FORGET ALL THIS BULLSHIT
AND JUST GET ON WITH IT.
WHO IS THIS?
THIS IS JASON.
I TOLD JASON ABOUT THE HAGGLEBLASS,
AND HE'S BEGUN HIS CONVERSION. HAVEN'T YOU, BUDDY?
CAN YOU GIVE US A MINUTE, JASON?
GO ON. FUCK OFF, OKAY?
I KNOW YOU DO THIS JUST TO MAKE ME STRONGER.
I KNOW IT.
CHUCKIE, I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO ME, OKAY?
GOD MADE A MISTAKE.
HE WANTS YOU TO GO BACK TO THE WAY YOU WERE.
GOD WANTS YOU TO BE AN ASSHOLE,
SO YOU CAN FORGET ALL THIS HAGGLEBLASSING, OKAY?
HE WANTS YOU TO BE YOUR OLD JACKASS SELF AGAIN.
OKAY, THIS IS A TEST.
THERE'S NOTHING THAT YOU COULD DO...
THERE'S NOTHING THAT YOU COULD DO
TO MAKE ME GO BACK TO MY OLD SELF.
THERE'S NOTHING. THERE'S NOTHING.
NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING...
NO!
DAH! FUCK!
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
WHAT'S MY NAME? FAT-ASS BITCH!
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S WHO YOU ARE, BABY!
THAT IS WHO YOU ARE!
[RAGING]
SO HERE I WAS, SITTING OPPOSITE MY FATHER,
MY FRIEND ABOUT TO GIVE HIM A POEM
ENCOURAGING HIM TO LET GO OF ME FOREVER,
AND I THOUGHT THINGS WERE TWISTED ENOUGH WHEN I WAS ALIVE.
SO, I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THE MESSAGE TO BE SO DRAMATIC.
I LIKE DRAMA.
I HOPE WE'RE NOT PULLING YOU AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY. THAT'S OKAY.
WHAT DID YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?
CHARLOTTE WANTED TO GIVE HIM A POEM,
AND I WANTED TO ASK HIM ABOUT HIS OLDEST DAUGHTER.
I WANTED TO KNOW IF HE THOUGHT ABOUT ME.
SO, THE COMEDIES NEXT SEMESTER?
FUN, HUH?
UH, WE JUST WANTED TO TAKE YOU OUT TO LUNCH.
UM, WHAT YOU SAY IN YOUR CLASS,
IT REALLY MAKES US THINK ABOUT STUFF,
AND WE JUST WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU.
CHARLOTTE WAS CHICKENING OUT.
I SHOULD HAVE TOO...
BUT I WAS THE ONLY DEAD GIRL I KNEW
WHO COULD GET AN ANSWER.
SO, DO YOU MISS YOUR DAUGHTER?
YOU KNOW, I THINK THE POETS DO THE WORLD A FAVOR
BY TURNING THEMSELVES INSIDE OUT.
I TEACH POETRY. THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO...
WHEN SHE WAS YOUNGER, WE HAD BEEN VERY CLOSE.
I THOUGHT IT WAS THIS BOND THAT COULD NEVER BE BROKEN,
BUT IT WAS, ALMOST EFFORTLESSLY.
I KNEW THAT SHE HAD TO GROW,
AND GROW APART FROM ME...
I HAD FAITH THAT IF I JUST DIDN'T MEDDLE,
IF I LET HER FLY AWAY,
EVENTUALLY SHE WOULD COME BACK TO ME.
I... I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS ALL THE TIME WE'D HAVE.
SHIT. GOD, I AM SORRY.
OKAY, HANG ON.
CAN I GET A TOWEL OR SOMETHING?
AND THAT'S HOW MY DAD MOVED ON...
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM HIS FRIENDS.
MY DAD WAS RIGHT.
HUMAN BEINGS ARE SIMPLE, PREDICTABLE CLICHES...
BROKEN HEARTS. BETRAYAL.
IT'S ALL BEEN DONE A BILLION TIMES BEFORE.
THE PROBLEM IS
EVERY TIME STILL HURTS LIKE THE FIRST...
AND IF YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGH TO RECOVER,
YOU CAN BE SURE THAT JUST AS YOU FINISH
FILLING IN ALL THE CRACKS IN YOUR LIFE,
THE NEXT ONE IS STARTING TO OPEN.