[♪♪]
[GEORGE]: ONCE UPON A TIME,
THERE WAS TRAVELER ON HORSEBACK
WHO FINDS HIMSELF FACING A SWAMP,
AND HE DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER TO GO AROUND
OR TRY TO WADE THROUGH.
THE TRAVELER ASKS A LOCAL BOY,
"TELL ME, LOCAL BOY,
DOES THE SWAMP HAVE A HARD BOTTOM?"
AND THE BOY TELLS HIM THAT IT DOES.
SO THE TRAVELER
GUIDES HIS HORSE INTO THE SWAMP,
AND THEY BEGIN TO SINK
DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO THE MUCK.
HE SHOUTS TO THE BOY,
"I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT HAS A HARD BOTTOM."
AND THE BOY SAYS "IT DOES, MR. TRAVELER.
YOU'RE JUST NOT THERE YET."
TODAY?
TODAY. THAT'S WHY I PROMOTED YOU.
[GEORGE]: AND THE SINKING BEGINS.
I NOTICED THAT YOU HAVEN'T SIGNED UP
FOR THE ANNUAL HAPPY TIME RETREAT.
RIGHT.
THE SIGN-UP SHEET
IS FIRMLY TAPED TO THE MICROWAVE, MILLIE.
HAVE YOU NOT SEEN IT?
I SAW THE SHEET, IT'S JUST THAT...
OH, OH! OH!
[GEORGE]: A NIGHT IN THE WOODS WITH THESE FREAKS
SCARES ME MORE THAN BEING DEAD.
WE ONLY RETREAT ONCE A YEAR.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT ANNUAL.
WHY RETREAT AT ALL?
WHO'S ATTACKING US?
ALWAYS THE CUTE JOKE.
THAT'S YOUR DEFENSE MECHANISM.
WHAT? SARCASM.
THAT'S HOW YOU KEEP PEOPLE AT A SAFE DISTANCE.
[GEORGE]: NO, I DON'T.
YOU DO. YOU USE HUMOR.
FOR OTHERS, IT'S AGGRESSIVE BODY PIERCINGS
AND FACIAL TATTOOS...
THANKS, SKEETER.
I'M NOT TRYING TO DISTANCE ANYBODY.
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOUR CUBICLE.
IT'S AS BARE
AS A POP STAR'S MIDRIFF.
I ENJOY A CLUTTER-FREE WORK SPACE.
NOT A SINGLE PHOTO OF A FRIEND OR FAMILY.
OH, MAKES ME SAD.
HEY, GUYS. JUICE BARN RUN.
OH, TODD, COUNT ME IN.
I CAN'T RISK ANOTHER LOW-BLOOD-SUGAR EPISODE TODAY.
YOU IN, MILLIE?
MILLIE, MILLIE, MILLIE.
WOULD IT KILL YOU TO BE PART OF THE TEAM?
IT'S JUST, I'VE GOT SO MUCH WORK TO DO, DELORES,
AND IT'S A HALF-DAY FOR ME, SO...
WELL, HALF-DAYS ARE ONE THING, BUT HALF-ASSED COMMITMENT
TO YOUR CO-WORKERS
IS QUITE ANOTHER.
NOW, IF I DON'T GO GET THAT RASPBERRY RAZZMATAZZ,
I CAN'T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS.
REALLY.
LEGALLY.
[GEORGE]: HOW COULD I TELL DELORES
THAT IT WAS HARD TO PLAY FOR HER TEAM
WHEN I HAD ALREADY BEEN DRAFTED BY THE OTHER SIDE?
AND WITH A NEW MEMBERSHIP,
WE OFFER TWO PERSONAL TRAINING SESSIONS.
CAN WE TAKE THEM WITH THIS ONE?
WITH DIEGO? OF COURSE.
I WONDER IF HE MAKES HOUSE CALLS.
USE YOUR ESPANOL.
NUESTROS NOMBRES SON CHLOE Y ZOE.
MI CASA ES SU CASA, DIEGO.
LADIES, I AM BRAZILIAN.
I SPEAK PORTUGUESE.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, BUT OKAY.
PARDON ME.
EXCUSE ME.
SAY SOMETHING IN PORTUGUESE FOR ME.
DID YOU GO TO THE GYM WHEN YOU WERE ALIVE?
I DIED IN 1938.
FOR EXERCISE, WE DRANK SLOE GIN
AND SMOKED LUCKY STRIKES.
HI. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY A REV-N UP BAR?
IT'S FREE. 15 GRAMS OF PROTEIN AND LOADS OF FIBER.
NO THANKS.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THESE GUYS?
FOR WHAT? MILLIE'S FAMILY.
WELL, THEY'RE VERY ATTRACTIVE, AND THEY LOOK REPUBLICAN.
YOU THINK?
YEAH. ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU ARE? NO.
I NEVER VOTED, BUT I'M NOT THAT.
WHAT WERE YOU? I WAS AN ACTRESS.
WELL, I LIKE THE WAY THEY LOOK.
CONFIDENT, LIKE WINNERS.
WHAT KIND OF RACQUETS ARE THEY HOLDING?
[GRAVELING GROWLING]
SQUASH.
[CRASH]
[PEOPLE CLAMORING]
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
HE DROPPED THE BARBELL.
OH, NICE GOING, ZOE.
I SEE YOU JUST HAD TO ADD AN EXTRA PIN
TO YOUR MAP, DIDN'T YOU?
YOU JUST HAD TO HAVE ONE MORE COUNTRY.
OH, REALLY? AND THAT'S NOT WHY YOU NAILED
THAT MOHAMMED GUY LAST WEEK?
CAN WE CHANGE INTO SOMETHING TAILORED?
I'M AFRAID IT'S CASUAL DEATH DAY.
WILL YOU TELL ME WHEN I DO THAT?
USE HUMOR TO DISTANCE MYSELF?
YOU'RE DOING IT, SO SAY SOMETHING NICE.
I'M SORRY THAT YOU DIED.
AT LEAST YOU HAVE EACH OTHER.
AT LEAST YOU'RE TOGETHER.
[MASON]: YOU KNOW, I DON'T GET IT.
THEY'RE MILLIE'S PARENTS.
THOSE PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE RELATED TO YOU?
ROUND ROBIN TENNIS BULLSHIT?
THEY'RE RELATED TO MILLIE. HAPPY TIME MILLIE?
THEY LOOK LIKE DRINKERS.
THEY LOOK LIKE CATHOLICS.
THEY LOOK LIKE THEY WOULDN'T LIKE ME.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY ABOUT MY FAMILY?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY.
I DON'T THINK I CARE FOR THE IMPLICATION.
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WANT
THAT FROSTY TENNIS BITCH TO BE YOUR MOM.
THEY'RE NOT HER FAMILY.
WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THEM AS IF THEY ARE?
IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT TENNIS.
WELL, THEY DON'T EXIST,
AND THAT'S A SQUASH RACQUET.
DO YOU PLAY SQUASH?
NO, BUT I THINK I'D BE GOOD AT.
REALLY? NO.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO ENLIGHTEN ME AS TO THE POINT OF THE PICTURE?
EVERYBODY ELSE HAS PICTURES ON THEIR DESKS,
AT HAPPY TIME.
I DON'T. I JUST WANT DELORES OFF MY CASE.
SHE SAYS I DON'T FIT IN.
DELORES IS RIGHT.
IT'S A LITTLE LATE IN THE GAME TO START.
I DON'T WANT TO FIT IN.
I'M JUST DON'T WANT TO STAND OUT.
OKAY, I'LL BUY THAT.
HERE YOU GO.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU GUYS FELL FOR THIS WAFFLE HAUS CLUB CRAP.
SIX MORE PUNCHES, I GET A FREE WAFFLE.
I'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT MORE TO GO.
SEVEN, AND I HATE WAFFLES.
YOUR NEXT WAFFLE IS FREE.
I'VE BEEN RAVENOUS LATELY.
IT'S THE WHOLE "I'M DEAD METABOLISM THING"...
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT A CARD?
THANK YOU, KIFFANY, BUT IT'S REALLY NOT MY THING.
[GEORGE]: WHATEVER EVERYONE ELSE WAS DOING,
I ALWAYS WENT THE OTHER WAY.
I WASN'T A JOINER.
MAYBE THAT'S JUST THE WAY I WAS BROUGHT UP.
[DOORBELL CHIMING]
[CHRISTMAS CAROLERS SINGING]
♪ OH, HOW THEY POUND RAISING THE SOUND ♪
♪ O'ER HILL AND DALE ♪
♪ TELLING THEIR TALE ♪
[YOUNG GEORGE HUMMING]
GEORGIA. GEORGIA, SHH.
THEY'LL HEAR YOU.
SWEETIE. SHH.
WHY ARE WE PRETENDING NOT TO BE HERE?
BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT THEM COMING BACK
AND SINGING EVERY NIGHT.
THEY'LL WANT US TO JOIN THEM.
OKAY.
GEORGIA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? GEORGIA, GET BACK HERE!
CLANCY! WAIT.
GEORGE, GET BACK HERE,
OR THERE'LL BE NO SANTA CLAUS FOR YOU.
YOU DON'T SCARE ME.
♪ MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ FROM EVERYWHERE FILLING THE AIR ♪
♪ OH, HOW THEY POUND... ♪
SHUT UP!
♪ RAISING THE SOUN... ♪
WE WANT A SILENT NIGHT!
♪ SILENT NIGHT ♪
NO, STOP IT!
♪ HOLY NIGHT ♪
AND NEVER COME BACK!
COAST IS CLEAR.
[CLANCY]: GOOD JOB, SWEETIE.
THANKS.
[GEORGE]: AND IT WASN'T JUST CAROLING.
FACED WITH ANY KIND OF ACTIVITY,
MY PARENTS WENT THE OTHER WAY.
RAN THE OTHER WAY.
WE WERE A GROUP OF LONERS.
IF THERE WERE OPTIONS, CHANCES ARE WE'D OPT OUT.
BUT BEING UNDEAD AND UNMOTIVATED
AT THE WORKPLACE, I HAD A LOT OF TIME ON MY HANDS
TO THINK ABOUT THE WHAT-IFS OF LIFE...
LIKE, WHAT IF I HADN'T DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE?
WOULD I STILL HAVE DIED?
WHAT IF I HAD HAD A DIFFERENT FAMILY,
A FAMILY THAT DIDN'T ALWAYS OPT OUT?
♪ ...CHRISTMAS IS HERE ♪
♪ MERRY, MERRY, MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ MERRY, MERRY, MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
AND GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE.
♪ ...FROM EVERYWHERE FILLING THE AIR ♪
THINK FAST!
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. I CAUGHT YOU OFF-GUARD.
I'M GREGG, THE RETREAT FACILITATOR.
I'M MILLIE, JUST MILLIE.
OH, I'M AFRAID SHE'S NOT WITH US.
I DON'T REALLY PLAY GAMES.
I'M NOT VERY... GAMEY.
YOU KNOW, EVERYONE HAS SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE TEAM.
HEY, DON'T YOU WANT TO BE AT ONE WITH NATURE
AND YOUR FELLOW WORKERS?
NOPE. CAN'T. BEDWETTER.
OOH, GEE. THAT'S TOO BAD.
I'M KIDDING.
BUT I'M REALLY NOT GOING.
REALLY.
YOU KNOW, I'M SURE THAT THIS ONE'LL FIT.
I'M SURE IT'S YOUR SIZE. JUST...
NOT REALLY A GROUP-HAT PERSON EITHER.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT A LOT OF THINGS, ARE YOU?
[GEORGE]: I'M NOT EVEN ALIVE, SO LET'S LOSE THE ATTITUDE.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU HAVE FUN HOLDING DOWN THE FORT.
[GEORGE]: BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO HOLD DOWN THE FORT.
THE FORT'S FOR LOSERS.
THE FORT'S A PAIN IN THE ASS.
REGGIE!
DINNER!
I'M COMING.
DID YOU STRAIGHTEN YOUR ROOM?
YES.
DID YOU PUT EVERYTHING AWAY?
YES!
IS IT SPOTLESS?
SPOTLESS.
REGGIE.
WHY ARE YOU UNFOLDING THAT NAPKIN?
BECAUSE I'M EATING DINNER.
THIS ISN'T FOR US. THIS IS FOR THE REALTOR
AND THE COUPLE SHE'S BRINGING BY TOMORROW.
YOU'RE MAKING THEM DINNER?
I'M MAKING IT LOOK LIKE A DINNER PARTY.
BUYERS WANT TO SEE A PLACE
WHERE THEY MIGHT ENTERTAIN.
WE NEVER ENTERTAIN.
WELL, IT'S JUST FOR SHOW.
IT'S LIKE A...
IT'S LIKE A SERVING SUGGESTION.
WHERE'S OUR DINNER?
I GOT US BURGER ROUND-UP.
YOU AND I GET TO DO A PICNIC.
THIS IS BULLSHIT.
PUTTING FOOD ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T MAKE IT A PICNIC.
PLEASE DON'T SWEAR.
THIS IS HOW HOMELESS PEOPLE EAT.
WELL, I'M GOING TO ENJOY MY ROUND-UP WITH CHEESE
WHETHER YOU JOIN ME OR NOT.
NOT.
I'M GOING TO MY ROOM.
YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH ME TONIGHT.
I ALREADY MADE YOUR BED AND I WANT IT TO STAY THAT WAY.
IT'S MY ROOM, AND YOU SNORE.
I MEAN IT, REGGIE!
YOU'D BETTER NOT BE MESSING UP THAT BED.
I MEAN IT! [DOOR SLAMS]
WORK A DOUBLE TODAY? THAT'S ROUGH.
I DON'T MIND. KEEPS ME OUT OF TROUBLE.
YOU WANT A PIECE OF CHERRY PIE, SWEETIE?
SURE. YOU EVER WAIT TABLES?
HARDER THAN DIGGING A DITCH. YOU SHOULD TRY IT
AND SEE WHAT A REAL JOB IS. IT IS A NOBLE VOCATION.
MY DOGS ARE BARKING.
I HAVE A REAL JOB, I HAVE TWO REAL JOBS.
SO I THINK I'M GONNA GO ON
THE HAPPY TIME RETREAT TOMORROW.
PIE'S NICE.
DID YOU HEAR ME?
WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,
I USED TO TREAT THE CRUST
LIKE IT WAS JUST THERE TO HOLD THE GOOD STUFF IN.
I USED TO LEAVE THE WHOLE BACK END OF IT ON THE PLATE.
BUT AS I GOT OLDER, I LEARNED TO APPRECIATE CRUST.
STAYING ON THE OUTSIDE, LOOKING IN,
IT'S NOT REALLY THE BEST WAY TO LAY LOW.
THE MORE I STAY OUT OF THE GROUP,
THE MORE THEY NOTICE ME.
THAT'S BAD.
YOU LEARN THAT THE CRUST AND PIE
ARE TWO VERY DIFFERENT RECIPES.
ULTIMATELY, THEY CO-MINGLE,
BUT THEY ARE VERY SEPARATE ENTITIES.
I'M SAYING I'M GOING TO GO.
IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO, OKAY?
OKAY, YOU'VE DECIDED.
WHAT DO YOU NEED ME FOR?
I NEED THE DAY OFF TOMORROW.
CAN YOU COVER FOR ME? YOU KNOW, GEORGE, REAPING ISN'T LIKE
SOME WAITRESS TRADING SHIFTS.
THE NOBLE VOCATION.
I DON'T NEED YOUR SMART MOUTH.
THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.
SERIOUS BUSINESS.
I NEED TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.
YOU ARE LIKE AN E.R. DOCTOR,
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? YOU'RE ON CALL. YOU'RE ON CALL 24/7.
365. I DON'T NEED YOUR SMART MOUTH.
SORRY.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
WELL, I THINK THAT'S WISE.
NOT ABOUT THE RETREAT, ABOUT THE PIE.
SO, UM, I'LL SEE YOU WHEN I GET BACK.
YOU WANT IT? YEAH, PLEASE.
MORE COFFEE?
PLEASE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S JUST FOR THE AROMA.
HONEY, THIS COUPLE IS READY TO PAY MORE
THAN WE'VE EVEN ASKED, SO LET'S PUT ON A SHOW HERE.
WHAT KIND OF SHOW? [DOORBELL CHIMES]
A GOOD ONE.
SO LET'S SMILE AND BE FRIENDLY
AND MAKE THEM FEEL WELCOME.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST MAKE THE COOKIES?
REGGIE, GET THE DOOR.
OH, HEY.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING, MILLIE.
WOULD YOU SCREW A MUSTANG GRILL TO A '57 CHEVY?
ME? NO. EXACTLY.
YOU DON'T MESS WITH A CLASSIC.
SO WHEN I SAY, "GET THE FIXINGS FOR S'MORES,"
YOU DON'T SHOW UP WITH ANY OLD CHOCOLATE BAR.
THE S'MORE IS LIKE A DELICATE ECOSYSTEM...
GRAHAM CRACKER, MARSHMALLOW,
AND THE GREAT AMERICAN HERSHEY BAR.
I'M SORRY. I'M NOT A CAMPER.
HEY, I'M REALLY HAPPY YOU DECIDED TO JOIN US, MILLIE.
YOU JUST NEED TO GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME.
COME ON.
[DOG BARKING]
BACK IN THE TRUCK.
GO ON.
FUCKING MUTT.
THE GREAT OUTDOORS.
BRISK.
MM.
FEEL THAT?
THAT'S THE I.Q. FALLING.
GODDAMNED DOG WOULD JUST AS SOON
FUCK A DUCK THAN HUNT ONE.
I MEANT TO SAY, "GO, TEAM,
HERSHEY BARS OR BUST."
ALTHOUGH I DON'T CARE FOR THE CRUELTY TO ANIMALS.
THEY'RE HUNTERS.
HERSHEY BARS?
AH.
NICE 12-GAUGE.
DADDY HAD ONE OF THOSE. EXCUSE ME.
FULL CHOKE.
IS IT DUCK-HUNTING SEASON ALREADY?
YEAH, WHATEVER. HEY, WEIGHT-LOSS DRINKS, HUH?
MOST HUNTERS ARE MORNING PEOPLE.
THEY HAVE HERSHEY BARS.
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR, MILLIE.
LET'S LOAD 'EM UP.
HI, LINDA. OH, GREAT BOOTS.
THANK YOU.
JOY, THESE ARE THE COPES, ANDY AND STEPHANIE.
HI. HI.
THIS IS REGGIE.
HELLO.
GREAT PLACE.
ARE YOU BAKING?
I AM.
THE COPES ARE VERY INTERESTED
IN THIS PROPERTY.
AS YOU CAN SEE, THEY'RE IN NEED OF A LITTLE MORE SPACE.
WELL, EVER SINCE SHE GOT, UH,
OR SINCE WE GOT... YOU KNOW.
I NEVER KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO SAY IT.
SAY, "SINCE I IMPREGNATED HER."
TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, IT'S NOT YOURS.
JUST, UH, LOOK
AT THE PERIOD TREASURES THAT THEY HAVE PRESERVED...
ALL OF THE CROWN MOLDINGS, THE ORIGINAL HARDWARE.
NICE.
MODERN AMENITIES AS WELL.
THESE ARE ALL DUAL-PANE WINDOWS.
I INSISTED ON THOSE FOR SAFETY.
I WAS PREGNANT WITH MY DAUGHTER
WHEN WE BOUGHT THE HOUSE.
AND I'M GUESSING THAT'S YOU.
GUESS AGAIN.
THAT WAS HER SISTER.
GEORGE.
GEORGE?
GEORGIA.
OH. PRETTY NAME.
THIS REALLY IS
THE PERFECT HOME FOR A GROWING FAMILY.
REGGIE, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW THE COPES YOUR ROOM?
DO I GET A COMMISSION? REGGIE!
I'D LOVE IT IF YOU WOULD TAKE US TO SEE YOUR ROOM, REGGIE.
OKAY...
VERY INTERESTED.
FOR YOU.
YOU.
ROUTE 9 AND GENTILLY BOULEVARD.
SLIPPERY PETE'S.
BIG BIKER HOTSPOT.
YOU NEED AN ESCORT, LET ME KNOW.
YOU'RE VERY SWEET, BUT I CAN HANDLE MYSELF.
WELL, THEY'RE BIKERS, NOT VAMPIRES, DAISY.
DON'T LET THE BLONDE LOCKS DECEIVE YOU.
I'M A VERY POWERFUL WOMAN.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE TIME OFF TODAY,
AND BY LITTLE,
I MEAN I WILL BE BACK TOMORROW,
AND I TRUST YOU WILL BE FINE WITHOUT ME,
AND BY THAT, I MEAN TRY NOT TO FUCK UP.
BY FUCK UP, OF COURSE, I MEAN MASON.
YOUR SERVANT.
WELL, I HAVE ORDER TO RESTORE.
YOUR SERVANT.
FIRST TIME, CUTE. SECOND TIME, YOU HAVE TO BUY ME SOMETHING.
WELL, WHY DO YOU ASSUME I'M GOING TO FUCK UP?
BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCK-UP!
THIS, OF COURSE, IS THE PERFECT CHILDREN'S ROOM.
PLENTY OF SPACE FOR MORE BEDS,
IF MORE KIDS ARE IN GOD'S PLAN.
I DON'T SEE HOW GOD'S INVOLVED.
[LAUGHING]
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. YES?
THE ONLY MOLD IN THAT HOUSE IS BETWEEN HER EARS.
GRIMM'S ANTHOLOGY.
I USED TO BE A TEACHER, YOU KNOW?
I WAS SUPPOSED TO PUT THAT AWAY.
THAT'S OKAY.
IT'S A DELIGHTFUL ROOM.
WHERE'S YOUR SISTER'S BEDROOM?
MY MOM TURNED IT INTO AN EXERCISE ROOM.
OH.
WHERE'S YOUR SISTER LIVING NOW?
I DON'T KNOW, EXACTLY.
IS SHE IN COLLEGE?
SHE'S DEAD.
OH...
I'M SO SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
SHE'S NOT, LIKE, COMPLETELY GONE.
BECAUSE...
SHE COMES BACK.
SHE COMES BACK?
A LOT.
[WIND BLOWING]
[GASPS]
THAT WASN'T HER.
[GREGG]: OKAY, EVERYBODY,
IF YOU COULD BE AN ANIMAL, ANY ANIMAL,
WHAT ANIMAL WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BE?
DELORES,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FIRST?
OH, I'D LIKE TO GO LAST,
IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND.
OKAY, I THINK THAT'D BE APPROPRIATE.
THANKS, GREGG.
MILLIE, HOW ABOUT YOU?
I THINK I'LL GO RIGHT BEFORE DELORES.
DO YOU THINK THAT'S APPROPRIATE?
[GEORGE]: WHO GIVES A SHIT?
I REALLY DO, GREGG.
CAN I START?
SURE, TODD.
YEAH, THAT'D BE GREAT.
IF I WERE AN ANIMAL, I THINK I WOULD BE A CRAB.
NOT AN ANIMAL.
MILLIE.
WELL, IT'S NOT. IT'S A CRUSTACEAN.
WHAT?
WELL, AT LEAST I'M LISTENING.
I'M SORRY. A CRAB'S AN ANIMAL.
IT'S A BIG, FURRY, WARM-BLOODED BEAST
THAT SLEEPS IN COCKTAIL SAUCE.
MILLIE, THIS IS AN EXERCISE ABOUT REVEALING YOURSELF
TO YOUR CO-WORKERS.
NOW, WE ALL FIND THINGS TO HIDE BEHIND
AT THE OFFICE.
YOU KNOW, OUR CUBICLES, OUR TELEPHONES, OUR DEADLINES...
OUR SARCASM.
WE ALL FIND WAYS
NOT TO GET TO KNOW THE PEOPLE
THAT WE RELY ON THE MOST.
OUT HERE IN THE WILD, THERE'S NO PLACE TO HIDE, OKAY?
SO I THINK THAT WE SHOULD ALL
TRY TO GET TO KNOW TODD THE CRAB.
WHOO-HOO!
[GEORGE]: I BET TODD HAS CRABS.
TODD, PLEASE.
I ALWAYS FEEL... AS IF I'M MOVING SIDEWAYS.
MOTHERFUCKING... I AM VICIOUSLY FUCKED.
BASTARD HELL...
I AM VICIOUSLY FUCKED.
NO, NOT YOU, DARLING.
UNLESS YOU'RE INTERESTED, IN WHICH CASE...
NO? WELL, PISS OFF, THEN.
FUCK OFF. OH, JESUS CHRIST.
OH, BOLLOCKS. KIFFANY! KIFFANY.
HEY, THERE.
LISTEN, HAVE YOU FOUND A LITTLE POST-IT?
YOU KNOW, THE LITTLE YELLOW ONES WITH WRITING ON?
LIKE THE KIND YOU PEOPLE ALWAYS PLAY WITH?
YES, YES, YES. EXACTLY. EXACTLY.
NO. IS THIS ONE PARTICULARLY IMPORTANT?
I DON'T BOLLOCKING WELL KNOW, DO I?
JESUS CHRIST, I AM FUCKED.
MOVE.
SHIT. BOLLOCKS. FUCKING BOLLOCKS!
OKAY, WELL, THAT'S IT. I'M FUCKING FUCKED, AREN'T I?
I'M BOLLOCKING VICIOUSLY FUCKED.
ROYALLY FUCKED, I AM.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
WELL, THAT IS MOST INTERESTING.
I JUST ASSUMED ALL THOSE STORIES
ABOUT DEGRADING INITIATION RITUALS WERE TRUE.
NO ONE HAS TO KILL ANYONE TO GET INTO THE BALD EAGLES.
WE FIGURE THE RIGHT MEMBERS COME AT THE RIGHT TIME.
TREACH HERE BECAME ONE AFTER SOMEONE HAD READ A POEM HE WROTE IN A BIKER MAG.
OPEN VERSE FOR THE OPEN ROAD.
HEAR, HEAR.
[ALL]: HEAR!
I DO LOVE A REAL MAN OF LETTERS.
SO WHY ARE YOU GUYS CALLED THE BALD EAGLES?
WE DON'T WEAR HELMETS. FUCKS WITH OUR HAIR.
I JUST THINK A MAN SHOULD CHOOSE
HOW CLOSE TO DEATH HE WANTS TO LIVE.
CLOSER THAN YOU THINK, TINY.
DAISY, DAISY, I NEED YOUR HELP.
NOW.
YOU WANT TO TAKE YOUR...
YOU WANT TO TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF THE LADY?
I'M IN TROUBLE.
THIS IS MASON. HE'S OKAY, FELLAS,
JUST NOT VERY WELL BROUGHT UP IS ALL.
NO, I'M NOT.
THE ONLY THING WE HATE WORSE THAN BAD MANNERS
IS THE GODDAMN FASCIST HELMET LAW.
BARE HEADS TILL WE'RE DEAD.
TILL WE'RE DEAD!
BARE HEADS.
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
BETTER DEAD THAN NOT.
WHAT?
I LOST MY POST-IT.
HAVE A NICE RIDE, FELLOWS. GOT TO GO.
SUCH A LOYAL GROUP OF PEOPLE.
BUT SO DANGEROUS.
[PATRONS YELLING]
TINY!
THOSE MOTORCYCLES, THEY'RE DANGEROUS.
WELL, A HELMET WOULDN'T HAVE HELPED.
TINY MADE A BIG MESS.
AND I MOVED HERE FROM ALBANY
WHEN SHE BROKE OFF THE ENGAGEMENT.
3,000 MILES DOWN THE ROAD,
AND I STILL CAN'T GET HER OUT OF MY MIND.
NO.
WE WERE NEVER ENGAGED, FRANK.
WE WERE TOTALLY ENGAGED.
I GAVE YOU MY MOTHER'S RING.
SO?
OKAY, FRANK, FRANK, FRANK, FRANK!
SALLY, PLEASE.
RIGHT. RIGHT.
ANYWAY, THAT'S WHY I FEEL LIKE A LEOPARD.
BECAUSE YOU'RE STALKING HER?
BECAUSE I CAN'T CHANGE MY SPOTS.
OKAY, MILLIE, I THINK IT'S YOUR TURN.
UH, NO, I...
I JUST, I...
I DON'T REALLY...
I'M NOT AN ANIMAL.
[GEORGE]: THIS WAS STARTING TO FEEL FAMILIAR...
STAYING ON THE SIDELINES.
CRITICIZING. CLINGING TO THE FRINGES
INSTEAD OF JUMPING INTO THE FRAY.
IT WAS LIKE WATCHING THE ESCALATOR RUN.
WHEN WOULD I STEP ON?
OKAY, DELORES,
WELL, I GUESS THAT JUST LEAVES YOU.
BRING US HOME.
WELL, UM, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT...
I'M A CAT.
I MEAN, NOT LIKE A HOUSE CAT.
NOT LIKE MURRAY, DELORES.
I'M A STRAY...
WANDERS THE STREETS, ALONE, KIND OF DISTANT AND MEAN.
NOT A CAT YOU'D WANT TO PET OR BRING HOME TO YOUR KIDS.
YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE THOSE CLAWS ARE, YOU KNOW.
AND I'M A BLACK CAT.
AND I HAVE MANY, MANY LIVES.
AND NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM.
YOU'D THINK HE'D HAVE A BETTER LOCK.
[DAISY]: WOW.
COLOR ME IMPRESSED.
WELL, IF HE WRITES THE INFORMATION
ON OUR POST-ITS,
HE MUST COPY IT DOWN FROM SOMEWHERE, RIGHT?
YEAH, BUT WHERE?
I'LL CHECK THE LIQUOR CABINET,
YOU CHECK EVERYWHERE ELSE.
MASON, NO. THIS IS A COVERT OPERATION.
WE NEED TO TREAD GENTLY
AND COVER OUR TRACKS.
[SNIFFING]
MM...
OLD FARTS LIKE RUBE ALWAYS HAVE THE BEST BOOZE.
THEY'VE BEEN DRINKING LONG ENOUGH
NOT TO MESS AROUND WITH THE CHEAP SHIT.
HOW IS THAT HELPING?
TAKES OFF THE EDGE. I'M ALL EDGES RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT?
MASON, IF HE FINDS OUT WE WERE RUMMAGING AROUND HERE...
PUT THAT DOWN.
PUT IT DOWN.
PUT THAT... DOWN.
THIS WAS YOUR IDEA, DAISY.
I ONCE HAD TO HIDE FOR HOURS IN ONE HALF THIS SIZE
FROM THE SHREW OF A MRS. TYRONE POWERS,
WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN PALM SPRINGS.
I WAS FORCED TO URINATE IN A HIGHBALL GLASS.
WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND THE MARRIED ONES?
FORBIDDEN FRUIT?
THAT WAS THEN, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU'RE TREATING THIS LIKE HAPPY HOUR.
OH, SHIT.
SO...
SO MANY OF THEM.
SO MUCH MORE OF IT.
POUR ME A DRINK, WILL YOU?
JUST ONE. AND ONLY TO WARM ME UP.
YEAH, IT'LL LUBE OUR SYNAPSES UP A BIT,
MAKE OUR MINDS A BIT MORE N... NIMBLE.
WE'LL KEEP LOOKING FOR YOUR POST-IT.
WE'LL... WE'LL KEEP LOOKING. YEAH.
WHY ARE YOU SPYING ON ME?
I'M NOT. I WASN'T SAYING ANYTHING.
I DIDN'T SAY THAT YOU WERE.
WELL, WHY ARE YOU HERE, THEN?
WHY DID YOU SHOW UP ALL OF A SUDDEN?
WELL, WHAT HAS BEEN YOUR EXPERIENCE
AS TO WHY I SHOW UP ALL OF A SUDDEN?
OH, NO.
YOU KNOW, YOU DO HAVE
ACTUAL RESPONSIBILITIES IN THIS WORLD.
I KNOW YOU.
YOU'RE MILLIE'S SPONSOR.
SO DEVOTED.
DELORES, RIGHT? RIGHT. AND YOU'RE RUBE.
I AM.
IS THAT A FIRST NAME OR LAST NAME?
JUST RUBE.
LIKE CHER.
LIKE HOUDINI.
LOVE HOUDINI.
WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN FUN TO HAVE SEEN HIM?
[GEORGE]: SEEN HIM?
RUBE PROBABLY REAPED HIM.
WHAT BRINGS YOU OUT HERE, RUBE?
WELL, DELORES...
AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO GET INTO THAT WITH YOU...
UH-HUH?
ONE OF THE "A" S OF A.A. STANDS FOR...
YOU DON'T WANT A DRINK, DO YOU, MILLIE?
ACTUALLY, I WAS REFERRING TO THE OTHER "A".
OH, OF COURSE.
DELORES, I THINK I NEED
TO GO FOR A WALK AND GET SOME FRESH AIR.
WELL, YOU'RE IN THE WOODS.
YOU'RE SURROUNDED BY FRESH AIR.
I JUST... WANT TO GO FOR A WALK.
I NEED TO...
COMMUNE WITH THE SPIRITS OF THE NORTHWEST.
YOU ARE A CAT, AREN'T YOU?
ALONE AND MYSTERIOUS.
MAKE SURE YOU MAKE IT BACK FOR GHOST STORIES AND S'MORES.
I'LL TRY.
YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO KNOW ANY GHOST STORIES, DO YOU, RUBE?
UH, I'VE HEARD A COUPLE IN MY DAY. OH, HOW FUN.
[GEORGE]: AND JUST AS I WAS GETTING COMFORTABLE IN THE CIRCLE,
DEATH PULLED ME AWAY.
[SINGING ALONG WITH RECORD]: ♪ YOU PUT YOUR LEFT ARM IN ♪
♪ YOU PUT YOUR LEFT ARM OUT YOU PUT YOUR LEFT ARM IN ♪
♪ AND YOU SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT ♪
♪ YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY AND YOU TURN YOURSELF AROUND ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT ♪
WHOO!
[RECORD CONTINUES PLAYING]
♪ YOU TAKE YOUR RIGHT ELBOW OUT ♪
♪ YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT ELBOW IN ♪
♪ AND YOU SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT... ♪
I FEEL LIKE A FLAPPER.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME DO THE CHARLESTON.
YOU ARE LOVELY.
OPERA... OPERA...
JAZZ...
BORING, BORING, SNORING.
I AM DRUNK.
I HATE BEING DRUNK.
FUNNY, I DON'T MIND IT.
EVER.
MY GOODNESS.
YOU THINK YOU KNOW A MAN...
BARRY MANILOW.
PLAY ME SOMETHING SWINGING.
I WANT TO DANCE AND FORGET ALL THIS... THIS STUFF.
OH, YEAH, BECAUSE YOU KNOW...
SOMEBODY'S GOING TO DIE ALONE TODAY, AREN'T THEY?
WHAT WAS ON YOUR POST-IT, MASON?
NOW, CAN I SHOW YOU THE OUTSIDE STORAGE?
I'D LOVE TO SEE THAT. HONEY?
IN A SECOND, I JUST WANT TO GET A FEEL
FOR THE HOUSE ONE MORE TIME.
OKAY.
[T.V. PLAYING]
[SHUTS T.V. OFF]
SO, REGGIE, WHAT WERE YOU WATCHING?
NOTHING.
WHAT'D YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAID YOUR SISTER COMES BACK?
SHE VISITS US.
AND YOU TALK TO HER?
NOT LIKE FACE TO FACE.
SO SHE CHECKS UP ON YOU, SEES IF YOU'RE OKAY?
I GUESS.
ARE YOU?
I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD MOVE HERE.
WHERE WAS HER FAVORITE SPOT IN THE HOUSE?
HER ROOM, I THINK.
SHE DIDN'T REALLY TELL ME THINGS.
I THINK WE SHOULD GO BACK TO THE WAFFLE HAUS.
IF YOU MISS A REAP,
A WRATH WILL BE VISITED UPON YOU
AS SUCH WILL HAVE YOU WRITHING
IN TESTICLE-SHRIVELING HORROR.
THAT WAS RUBE.
WHY DO YOU DRINK SO MUCH?
YOU'RE SO LOVELY. I LOVE YOU.
YOU'RE SO PERFECT, AND YOUR SKIN IS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL.
TRUE, BUT NOT WHAT I ASKED.
IT'S PEOPLE'S IMPERFECTIONS THAT MAKE THEM SO BEAUTIFUL.
LIKE BLACK VELVET THAT SHOWS OFF A LITTLE DIAMOND.
THOSE THREE FRECKLES
THAT SHOW OFF YOUR ALABASTER SKIN.
CUT THE BULLSHIT, MASON.
WHAT, DAISY?
REALLY, WHAT, IN THE WHOLE GODDAMN SCHEME OF THINGS,
IS ONE MORE UNHAPPY SOUL?
I JUST CANNOT CARE ANYMORE.
I CANNOT CARE ANYMORE.
YOU SAW THE POST-IT BEFORE YOU LOST IT.
NO.
YES, YOU DID.
YOU ALWAYS LOOK AT IT WHEN YOU GET IT,
EVEN FOR JUST A SECOND.
NO, I DON'T.
DO I?
I WATCH YOU.
YOU NEVER JUST PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET.
DO YOU WATCH ME?
YOU ALWAYS LOOK AT IT, BECAUSE YOU'RE CURIOUS.
YOU WANT TO KNOW.
WHAT DO I WANT TO KNOW?
THEIR NAME.
WHERE THEY'RE GOING TO DIE. YOU'RE CURIOUS.
YOU ALWAYS LOOK AT IT.
YEAH.
SOMETIMES, I DO LOOK AT IT.
AND YOU LOOKED AT THIS ONE, TOO.
AND THIS PERSON WON'T DIE ALONE.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
THIS IS A GHOST STORY,
AND IT'S A LOVE STORY.
IT'S ABOUT A MAN WHO LOVED A WOMAN.
A MAN WHO THOUGHT THE FLAME OF THEIR LOVE
COULD NEVER DIMINISH.
BUT IT DID.
WHAT HAD ONCE BEEN A DANCE HAD BECOME...
A BATTLE.
THEY FOUGHT AND FOUGHT.
IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT,
AFTER ANGRY WORDS WERE SPOKEN...
HE LEFT THEIR BED AND SADDLED HIS HORSE.
AND SHE SAID TO HIM,
"IF YOU DON'T COME BACK IN THREE DAYS,"
"THEN YOU CAN NEVER COME BACK."
"MARK MY WORDS..."
"I'LL BE GONE."
WELL, WHERE WOULD SHE GO?
TO LIVE WITH AN OLD BOYFRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL?
I THINK YOU TWO ARE A LITTLE AHEAD OF THE STORY.
AM I GOING TO BE INTERRUPTED AGAIN?
ANY OTHER QUESTIONS, THOUGHTS?
QUERIES?
THEN I WILL CONTINUE.
STILL ANGRY...
STILL ANGRY, THE MAN RODE AWAY...
AND HE ENJOYED THE SOLITUDE.
THE NOISE OF THEIR ARGUMENT
WAS REPLACED BY THE SOOTHING SOUNDS OF THE FOREST.
[TWIGS SNAPPING]
BUT AFTER JUST TWO DAYS IN THE FOREST,
HE GREW LONELY.
HE WAS FILLED WITH REGRET.
HE WANTED TO RETURN TO THE WOMAN HE LOVED,
AND HE WANTED TO RETURN TO THE LIFE THAT HE MISSED.
HE FOUND A SHORTCUT THROUGH THE WOODS,
AND HE TOOK IT.
HE WAS DESPERATE,
DESPERATE TO GET BACK TO THE WOMAN HE LOVED
BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE.
HER THREATS RANG IN HIS HEAD.
WOULD SHE WAIT FOR HIM?
OR WOULD SHE BE TRUE TO HER WORDS?
WOULD SHE BE GONE?
HE COULD FEEL HIS HORSE LOSING SPEED,
AS IF IT WOULDN'T MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT.
[DOG BARKING]
[GUNSHOT]
WHAT WAS THAT?
DOUBLE-BARREL 12-GAUGE, FULL CHOKE.
DO WE NEED TO GO AND HELP SOMEBODY?
THAT WAS SWEET, FRANK.
I'M JUST A STORYTELLER.
GREGG HERE'S IN CHARGE. GREGG?
OH, HO... NO.
NO, I-I-I DON'T THINK SO.
I'M A LITTLE AFRAID OF THE TREES AT NIGHT.
WELL, WE CAN EITHER STOP NOW OR GO ON WITH THE STORY.
IT'S UP TO YOU GUYS.
NO MORE INTERRUPTIONS. HMM?
OKAY?
HOW YOU DOING, CRYSTAL?
YOU'RE ABOUT TO LOSE YOUR MARSHMALLOW.
THE MAN CAME TO THE EDGE OF A DARK AND UNKNOWN SWAMP.
HE HAD TO MAKE A DECISION.
SHOULD HE GO INTO THE SWAMP
OR GO AROUND IT?
DOES HE GO THROUGH THE SWAMP OR DOES HE GO AROUND IT?
WE ALL ASK OURSELVES THAT QUESTION, DON'T WE?
IT'S A VERY SCARY QUESTION TO ANSWER ALL ALONE.
EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.
YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING I NEED.
I'M SORRY? THE POST-IT.
IT'S MINE. I NEED IT.
THEN MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME
WHY IT HAS MY NAME ON IT.
I CAN'T DO THAT. I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
[RUBE]: AND NEXT TO THE SWAMP WAS A BOY.
MY NAME IS...
HEY!
[RUBE]: THE MAN ASKS THE BOY,
"TELL ME, DOES THE SWAMP HAVE A HARD BOTTOM?"
[GUNSHOT]
AND THE BOY TELLS THE MAN IT DOES.
SO THE MAN GUIDES HIS HORSE INTO THE SWAMP.
[DOG WHIMPERING]
AND AS HE BEGINS TO SINK
DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO THE SWAMP,
HE SAYS TO THE BOY,
"I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT HAD A HARD BOTTOM."
AND THE BOY SAYS, "IT DOES."
"YOU'RE JUST NOT THERE YET."
SO THE MAN DOESN'T GET BACK TO HIS WIFE IN TIME?
HE MIGHT.
HE MIGHT GET OUT AND REACH HER, RIGHT?
THAT'S THE END OF THE STORY, FOLKS.
I MEAN, HE MIGHT GET BACK TO HER.
GUYS...
HI. WHAT DID I MISS?
A WONDERFUL STORY.
MILLIE, I'VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
WE HEARD A GUNSHOT, AND...
OH, I'M FINE.
OKAY.
JUST DON'T GO OFF ALONE LIKE THAT AGAIN.
RUBE?
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
SO, WAS THE STORY YOU TOLD SCARY?
OH, I DON'T KNOW. I DIDN'T HEAR IT, I JUST TOLD IT.
SMART MOUTH.
I THINK IT WAS A LITTLE SCARY.
YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE LIKE TO GET TOGETHER
TO HEAR THESE KINDS OF STORIES IN THE WOODS?
WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME?
THEY LIKE TO FACE THEIR FEARS...
TOGETHER.
IT'S SOMEHOW EASIER THAN FACING THEM ALONE.
WOULD YOU LIKE A "SOME"? A WHAT?
IT'S WHAT I'VE CHRISTENED
THE COMBINATION OF GRAHAM CRACKER AND CHOCOLATE,
LIGHTLY TOASTED OVER AN OPEN FLAME.
WE'RE OUT OF MARSHMALLOWS.
"SOME"?
AH, IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
YOU'RE NOT STAYING?
OH, I'VE GOT AN EARLY BREAKFAST MEETING.
YOU ENJOY THE REST OF THE RETREAT.
[GEORGE]: MAYBE IT WAS JUST THE WARMTH OF THE FIRE,
BUT FOR ONCE, I WAS HAPPY TO HAVE A SPOT IN THE CIRCLE.
DELORES AND I DROVE BACK TOGETHER,
AND SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE, TOO, WAS A CAT.
THAT SHE WAS BORN IN THE YEAR OF THE CAT,
THAT SHE HAD ALL THE QUALITIES OF A CAT.
I SWEAR TO GOD, IF SHE TOLD ME SHE WENT IN A LITTER BOX,
I WAS LEAVING HER BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.
[DELORES]: ANYWAY...
LOOKS GOOD. MORE BUYERS COMING?
NO. THIS IS FOR US.
I THOUGHT WE DESERVED A LITTLE SIT-DOWN BREAKFAST.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
SORRY. I'VE GOT TO GO.
OH, UH, WAIT.
UM, HERE. TAKE BACON.
YOU KNOW, REGGIE,
IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK TO ME
ABOUT ANYTHING, YOU KNOW...
I MEAN, ANYTHING AT ALL,
ABOUT GEORGE...
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
HELLO?
AW, COME ON.
IF ANYONE IS THERE, WOULD YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING?
FINE.
YOU KNOW, IF THAT KEEPS HAPPENING,
I'M GOING TO CHANGE OUR NUMBER.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
I'VE GOT TO GO.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
[CAR ENGINE STARTING]
[GEORGE]: ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A GIRL NAMED GEORGE,
WHO COULDN'T QUITE FORGET THERE WAS ONCE UPON A TIME.
[♪♪]