[GEORGE]: DEEP DOWN,
WE ALL WANT TO KNOW IF WE'RE LOVED.
IT'S THE FUNDAMENTAL QUESTION,
BUT WHEN I WAS A KID, THE QUESTION WAS EVEN MORE BASIC.
DOES ANYONE EVEN LIKE ME?
I'M SURE THERE'S ALL KINDS OF THEORIES
ON HOW TO HELP GIRLS GET OVER THEIR INSECURITIES AND SELF DOUBTS,
BUT IT TAKES A PRETTY TWISTED MIND
TO THINK THAT "SWIM DAY" IS THE ANSWER.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
THANKS A LOT, MOM.
COME ON.
HEY.
WHY DON'T YOU GO SAY HI TO YOUR FRIENDS, SWEETIE?
LOOK, GEORGIA,
IT'S NOT GOING TO KILL YOU TO MAKE A FRIEND.
IT MIGHT.
FINE. THEN LET'S GO HOME.
I'M NOT WEARING THE FLOATIES.
BUT YOU'RE A REALLY BAD...
YOU'RE NOT A STRONG SWIMMER, GEORGE.
I'D RATHER DROWN.
[GEORGE]: WHEN I WAS 10,
I LEARNED ONE OF LIFE'S MOST VALUABLE LESSONS.
NO MATTER HOW UNCOOL YOU THINK YOU ARE,
THERE'S SOMEONE EVEN LESS COOL
JUST A POOL'S LENGTH AWAY...
HI, GEORGE.
[GEORGE]: AND THAT SOMEONE WAS BETH ANNE MILLER.
[GIGGLING]
OH, SHIT.
RECENTLY, I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT CROSSING OVER,
BUT WHEN YOU'RE ALIVE,
CROSSING OVER IS EVEN HARDER.
MUCH HARDER.
SO...
DO YOU WANT TO GO SHOPPING THIS AFTERNOON?
WHAT FOR? A NEW SWEATER.
YEAH, THAT ONE'S PRETTY TRAGIC.
I MEANT FOR YOU, REGGIE.
I HAVE HOMEWORK.
YOU KNOW, OTHER GIRLS YOUR AGE
LIKE TO GO TO THE MALL.
IT'S COOL.
STEALING LIP GLOSS AND SMOKING BEHIND THE FOOD COURT'S COOL?
FINE, REGGIE.
STAY HERE AND WORK ON THAT ATTITUDE.
IT'S PRETTY.
I'LL CALL THE SITTER.
NO.
I'LL GO.
WHAT IS SO TRAGIC ABOUT THIS SWEATER?
GO.
[SPLASHING]
THIS IS THE CRUCIAL STEP.
THE UNSUSPECTING PATRON PERUSES HIS MENU
AND SELECTS THE OPTIONS.
KIFFANY SWINGS BY.
SHE PRETENDS NOT TO NOTICE HIM,
THEREBY MAKING HIM FEEL DESPERATELY FOOLISH.
CASTRATED.
LIMP AND WORTHLESS.
A RIGHT TURD.
NOW SHE OWNS HIM.
HE'S UNDER HER POWER.
OBSERVE.
ABSOLUTELY BRUTAL.
IF PEOPLE THINK YOU DON'T LIKE THEM,
THEY WANT IT EVEN MORE.
IT'S PATHETIC, REALLY, ISN'T IT? YEAH.
HEY, CAPTAIN ASSHOLE.
YEAH?
THIS VIEW IS RUINING A PERFECTLY GOOD BREAKFAST.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW, MEN HAVE DIED FOR THAT VIEW.
OKAY, SO THAT WAS TODAY'S LESSON
FROM THE WAFFLE HAUS.
WITHHOLD THE LOVE, AND YOU GAIN THE POWER.
HEY, GEORGE,
YOU WANT TO COME OUT OF THE POOL?
NO.
I LIKE IT HERE.
WILL RESURFACE FOR FOOD.
YOU...
YOU. POOLS?
I HATE POOLS. I HATE WATER. I HATE DROWNING.
I HATE ANYTHING THAT MAKES SOMEBODY BLUE.
WHAT ABOUT SINGING THE BLUES? THAT'S ALWAYS NICE.
DROWNING IS A REALLY, REALLY HORRIBLE WAY TO DIE.
♪ I AM BLUE ♪
♪ I'M BLUE BECAUSE OF YOU ♪
YOU GOT THE BLOND-HAIRED,
BLUE-EYED BLUES AGAIN, DAISY?
YES.
HIT ME, RUBE. NICE TO SEE YOU, ROXY.
WHY DON'T YOU STAY A WHILE?
I WOULD, BUT I DON'T WANT TO.
NOW, ROXY HERE IS A CLASSIC WITHHOLDER.
SHE INSPIRES FEAR THROUGH RESTRAINT.
I INSPIRE FEAR
THROUGH MY NINE MILLIMETER
AND MY PENETRATING GAZE.
IS THAT A PEPPER SPRAY
ON YOUR FANCY UTILITY BELT, ROXY?
IT IS, MASON.
YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH IT?
YES.
YOU ARE SO INTO PAIN.
MM-HMM.
[SPUTTERS]
ACTUALLY, THAT ISN'T PEPPER.
IT'S CHEMICALS.
YEAH, RIGHT, ROXY.
WHATEVER YOU SAY.
TOXIC CHEMICALS.
[MUFFLED SCREAM]
IF YOU WANT TO BEAT HIM SENSELESS,
NOBODY'S GOING TO WORRY ABOUT IT,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
THAT BETTER NOT BE MY TIP.
NO.
I'LL PUT UP WITH A LOT, BUT I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THAT.
I'M SORRY, KIFFANY.
IT'S JUST THAT MY EGGS WEREN'T EXACTLY LOVELY THIS MORNING.
MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE MACED THEM.
THANKS, KIFFANY.
SEE, RUBE?
YOU HAVE THE POWER IN THAT RELATIONSHIP.
SHE LOVES YOU.
SHE HATES ME.
I TIP TWO DOLLARS
ON A SEVEN-DOLLAR BREAKFAST.
IT'S NOT BRAIN SURGERY.
THIS IS IN, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES.
WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD, LIKE, GET A MOVE ON.
YOU DO THAT, YOU KNOW.
YOU WITHHOLD THE LOVE.
YEAH.
HOW CAN I WITHHOLD THAT WHICH I DO NOT POSSESS?
EAT YOUR BREAKFAST.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
[GEORGE]: MOST GIRLS ARE LATE FOR WORK
BECAUSE THEY OVERSLEPT OR THEY MISSED THEIR BUS.
MOST GIRLS DIDN'T HAVE TO SPEND THEIR MORNINGS
WATCHING A GUY TRY TO REPAIR HIS OWN LAWN MOWER.
[MOTOR GRINDING]
SUCCESSFULLY, I MIGHT ADD.
[MOTOR ROARS]
[SCREAMS]
SLURPEE.
THE GREAT THING ABOUT WORK
IS NO MATTER HOW FUCKED UP YOUR PERSONAL LIFE IS,
YOUR PROFESSIONAL LIFE CAN MAKE IT SEEM NORMAL.
HOLY SHIT. SORRY. ARE YOU OKAY?
I THINK I'M GOING TO HURL.
NO, PLEASE, DON'T.
BLOWS TO THE HEAD ALWAYS MAKE ME THROW UP.
HOW MANY BLOWS TO THE HEAD HAVE YOU TAKEN?
A LOT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
OH, GOD. BLOOD.
HERE COMES THE McMUFFIN.
IT'S A SLURPEE.
OH. OKAY.
I'M BETTER.
THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.
WHO ARE YOU? ETHAN. INFORMATION SYSTEMS.
COMPUTER GEEKS, FIFTH FLOOR.
YOU'VE ACCESSED MY FILES?
DELORES SAID IT WAS OKAY.
I'VE BEEN BEATEN UP A LOT, AND I'M A BLEEDER,
AND THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A SLURPEE.
IT'S A CHERRY SLURPEE, ETHAN. CHILL THE FUCK OUT.
OKAY, FINE. MY BAD.
I'M SO SORRY, MILLIE.
I... WHOA.
SLURPEE.
I WANTED TO BE HERE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO ETHAN,
BUT ANDY IN PERSONNEL HAS CARPAL TUNNEL IN BOTH HANDS...
CAN'T EVEN PEE BY HIMSELF...
ANYHOO,
ETHAN IS ONE OF THE TOP DOGS IN I.S.
HE'S HERE TO HELP US WITH THE NAZI ISSUE.
WHAT NAZI ISSUE? WHO'S A NAZI?
ACTUALLY, YOU ARE,
BUT SEE, THERE'S A FUNNY REASON BEHIND THAT.
I MEAN, IF YOU FIND THAT SORT OF THING FUNNY.
ETHAN IS A GENIUS. HUMOR HIM.
SEE, THERE'S THIS GROUP IN OREGON,
AND SOMEONE PUT A BOT ON YOUR HARD DRIVE,
AND THEY'VE BEEN USING YOUR E-MAIL
TO MAIL OUT THEIR, UM...
LITERATURE.
TO WHO?
"TO WHOM," BUT THAT'S COOL.
EVERYBODY MAKES THAT MISTAKE.
ANSWER THE QUESTION.
EVERYONE IN THIS OFFICE,
AND, LIKE, A MILLION PEOPLE ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
SO EVERYONE THINKS I'M A...
YEP, MAYBE.
PROBABLY.
DEFINITELY.
UH...
EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE.
COULD I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTION, PLEASE?
[MAN]: WHOO! TAKE IT OFF!
OH, SHUT UP, YOU IDIOT.
I AM NOT A NAZI.
UH...
THERE WAS A, UH...
UH... WHAT WAS IT?
ETHAN! A BOT.
A BOT IN MY COMPUTER,
AND A...
SLURPEE.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.
OH, MY GOD. THIS SUCKS.
OH, MILLIE, THIS IS NOTHING.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE TATTOOS I'VE HAD TO HAVE REMOVED.
I'M NOT A NAZI.
YOU KNOW, IN HERE,
I DON'T THINK ANY OF US REALLY IS.
SO, FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH,
I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WERE A NAZI.
SHH.
SO, UM...
I GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN YOUR SEAT.
THAT'S LIKE A HUGE CORPORATE FAUX PAS,
A BREACH OF PROTOCOL OR SOMETHING.
I'M NOT SOMEONE IMPORTANT.
TELL THAT TO THE FIFTH FLOOR.
THE OTHER GUYS WERE INSANELY JEALOUS
I GOT TO WORK ON YOUR COMPUTER.
LISTEN, I HAVE TO SORT THROUGH ALL THESE FILES...
EVERYONE BUT FINKLESTEIN.
WHEN THE NAZI PROBLEM BROKE, HE TOOK IT KIND OF HARD.
AND THEY ALL HAVE TO BE IN THIS EXACT ORDER,
SO YOU SHOULD GO.
LIKE, NOW.
ACTUALLY, UH...
IT'S FUNNY, I REORGANIZED YOUR FILE STRUCTURE.
YOU WHAT?
OH, WOW.
ALL YOUR FILES ARE THERE, JUST...
ORGANIZED.
OKAY, BYE.
UH, ETHAN, COME HERE.
I COULD TOTALLY HELP YOU.
[GEORGE]: THERE ARE DEFINITE PERKS TO HAVING SMART GUYS LIKE HIM.
I HAD TO WONDER WHAT GOOD DEED I HAD DONE TO DESERVE THIS,
AND THEN IT DAWNED ON ME...
ETHAN!
MAYBE WITHHOLDING AFFECTION DOES WORK A CERTAIN MAGIC.
NOT SO CLOSE.
BETH ANNE MILLER AND I WEREN'T EXACTLY THE SAME,
BUT WE WEREN'T EXACTLY DIFFERENT.
WE BOTH ORBITED THAT THIN AIR LIGHT YEARS AWAY
FROM THE CENTER OF THE SOCIAL UNIVERSE.
OKAY, FINE, WE WERE GEEKS,
BUT WHATEVER IT WAS THAT WE SHARED,
WELL, THE TIES THAT BIND WERE A LITTLE LOOSE THAT DAY.
[GIGGLING]
COME ON.
CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I GUESS I WANT TO, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, UM...
I DON'T KNOW, SWIM?
NOT LIKE THAT, YOU'RE NOT.
I DON'T ACTUALLY NEED TO SWIM.
I JUST WANT TO GO INTO THE POOL TO...
NOT LIKE THAT.
[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY]
HI, MAY I SEE THE SIGN-IN SHEET?
THERE ISN'T ONE. DO YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT?
PERHAPS YOU COULD HELP ME.
I'M LOOKING FOR AN S. SAMUELS.
THERE'S NO DR. SAMUELS IN THIS PRACTICE.
OH. EXCUSE ME,
IS THERE AN S. SAMUELS HERE?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK I'D LIKE A CONSULTATION.
CAN I GET YOUR NAME? YES. DAISY.
DAISY ADAIR.
OKAY.
FILL THIS OUT, PLEASE, AND WHAT INSURANCE DO YOU CARRY?
I HAVE SAG.
WELL, YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.
YEAH.
SCREEN ACTORS GUILD. I'M AN ACTRESS.
OH.
WOW. IS SHE GOING TO BE OKAY?
OH, SHE'LL BE FINE.
SHE'S IN THE CARE OF DOCTORS.
[CLEARS THROAT]
IT CAN'T BE THE FACE.
NO, NO. THESE ARE JUST FINE.
"DO YOU LOVE YOU?"
YES.
"DO YOU DESERVE TO LOVE YOU EVEN MORE?"
WELL, I CAN'T SEE WHY NOT.
[♪♪]
FUCK ME.
IT'S A BUNCH OF NAKED OLD MEN.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE A T. HELLER IS?
OH. THEO.
IN THE SHALLOW END.
THE ONE WHO'S YAKKING AWAY.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
YECH.
SO I'M WITH MY SON-IN-LAW,
MR. SILICON VALLEY HIMSELF,
AND WE'RE WATCHING THE GAME. WHAT GAME?
GAME'S NOT IMPORTANT.
I DON'T KNOW, SEAHAWKS,
AND HE SAYS TO ME,
"I KNOW WHY YOUR PICTURE'S FUZZY."
YOUR PICTURE'S FUZZY?
YEAH, LIKE THE BACK OF YOUR BALLS.
SO MR. SILICON VALLEY,
HE SAYS TO ME, "I KNOW WHY
THE CABLE'S NO GOOD HERE."
CABLE'S NO GOOD HERE?
HE SAYS THE PROBLEM IS SOLAR FLARES.
"SOLAR FLARES IS CAUSING YOUR CABLE TO GO OUT.
SOLAR FLARES IS GIVING YOU A FUZZY PICTURE."
AND WHAT DO YOU SAY?
I SAY, "THE REASON THE PICTURE IS FUZZY"
IS I DON'T HAVE CABLE, YOU KNOW-IT-ALL JACKASS."
[LAUGHING]
I'M DIVING.
JESUS, THEO, ENOUGH WITH THE DIVING.
WHAT WOULD BETTY SAY?
SHE'D SAY, "LOOK AT ALL THE TWIGS AND BERRIES."
AH, HE JUST DOES IT FOR THE ATTENTION.
HE SHOULDN'T BE DIVING.
MAN'S GOT THE BLOOD PRESSURE OF A JACKRABBIT.
HELLO.
AH.
OH, MY JESUS.
I'M, SORRY. I'VE JUST...
I JUST...
YOUR BALLS ARE HUGE.
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.
COME ON BACK, THEO.
YOU'RE SCARING THE CHILDREN.
RELAX, SON. THEY'RE JUST BALLS.
SO, UH...
SO, REGGIE, WHERE DO YOU...
WHERE DO YOU WANT TO START?
CAN'T YOU JUST MEET ME HERE IN, LIKE, 20 MINUTES?
ONE THING, OKAY?
ONE THING WE DO TOGETHER.
I'M NOT ASKING FOR THE MOON.
YOU'LL EMBARRASS ME.
HOW? HOW WILL I EMBARRASS YOU?
YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT NOW.
HOW MUCH DO I GET TO SPEND?
NOTHING UNTIL I SEE IT.
FINE.
REGGIE.
YOU LOOK GOOD IN BLUE.
IT MATCHES YOUR EYES.
I DON'T KNOW YOU.
OH, BOY.
WHAT WOULD BETTY SAY?
LOOK AT HIM.
HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE UP THERE.
SO HOW DO WE GET HIM BACK DOWN?
WELL, WE COULD WAVE A BRISKET.
[SNARLING]
[TRICKLING]
WHY DOES HE ALWAYS PULL THESE STUNTS?
[CHUCKLES]
BECAUSE SOMEDAY IT'LL MAKE A FUNNY STORY.
SOMEDAY, BUT NOT TODAY.
IT'S A BIRD.
IT'S A PLANE.
IT'S SUPER...
SHIT!
HOLY SHIT.
[CHUCKLING] AIN'T THAT A KICK.
I DIDN'T FEEL A THING.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE I TOOK YOUR SOUL OUT
BEFORE YOU HIT THE DIVING BOARD, SO...
SO, UH... I'M DEAD?
THAT'S THE SITUATION?
DEAD IS THE SITUATION YOU'RE IN, I'M AFRAID, YEAH,
AND NOW WE'LL BE MOVING ON.
WHAT'S THE, UH... WHAT'S THE DEAL?
NO ONE CAN SEE ME?
NO ONE CAN SEE YOU...
APART FROM ME, UNFORTUNATELY. I...
UGH. I JUST CANNOT GET OVER THE SIZE OF YOUR TESTICLES.
IMAGINE THAT, BETTY. I GOT A GAY ANGEL.
I'M NOT ANGEL, OR GAY.
WITH THE SIZE OF THOSE THINGS,
IT'S NO WONDER HE LOST HIS BALANCE!
MY FRIENDS FOR 50 YEARS.
THEY DON'T LOOK VERY SAD.
YOUR DEATH HASN'T SUNK IN YET.
IT HASN'T HIT THEM LIKE IT... HIT YOU.
THEY'RE GOING TO WANT TO MAKE SOME KIND OF PLAQUE
HERE AT THE POOL.
"GOOD FRIEND , GRACEFUL SWIMMER,
NOT A GOOD DIVER."
YEAH, I'M SURE THEY WILL.
IT'S GOING TO BE HARDEST ON MARTY.
I MEAN, THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE TOUGH EULOGY,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
I'M SURE YOUR FUNERAL WILL BE LOVELY.
YEAH.
I'M GOING TO NEED TO PUT ON SOME CLOTHES.
I GOT A NICE BLUE SUIT. BETTY'S FAVORITE.
NICE.
YEAH.
WHAT, FOR YOUR FUNERAL? NO. NO. NO.
YOU CAN'T GO TO YOUR OWN FUNERAL.
LOOK, PAL, NO ONE EVER TOLD ME HOW TO LIVE,
AND I'M SURE AS HELL NOT GOING TO START LISTENING NOW.
I'M GOING TO MY FUNERAL.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS FOR YEARS.
OH, BLOODY HELL.
GOD, CAN YOU IMAGINE SOMEONE ACTUALLY WEARING THAT CRAP?
SO SLUTTY.
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO SELL IT?
SHH.
COME ON.
I SO KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, BUT IT'S, LIKE,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRESS LIKE A HOOKER TO GET NOTICED, RIGHT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, ANYWAY?
THIS STUFF IS SO NOT YOU.
YOU'RE... BETTER THAN THAT.
HERE, LOOK AT ME FOR A SECOND.
THIS IS IROQUOIS.
YOUR HAIR'S KIND OF INDIAN, EXCEPT, WELL, YOU KNOW, LIGHTER.
I'M SORRY.
THAT WAS SO PRESUMPTUOUS OF ME.
IT'S OKAY.
YOU SURE?
OKAY.
REGGIE.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
I'VE GOT HER.
I'LL MEET YOU RIGHT HERE
IN 20 MINUTES.
I GAVE BIRTH TO HER, SEE,
BUT YOU'VE "GOT" HER.
THAT'S GREAT.
MY MOM'S LIKE THAT, TOO.
HYPOGLYCEMIC,
SO SHE'S TOTALLY, LIKE, DR. JEKYLL AND MRS. HYDE.
I HAVE TO KEEP TRISCUITS AROUND
AND JUST SHOVE THEM IN HER MOUTH WHEN SHE STARTS TO WIG OUT.
SO YOUR NAME'S REGGIE?
THAT'S A PRETTY BAD-ASS NAME FOR A GIRL.
CAN I SHOW YOU SOMETHING REALLY PRETTY?
COME ON.
[GEORGE]: IN A FAIR WORLD,
NICE PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKED
AND MEAN PEOPLE WOULD BE DISLIKED,
BUT THAT'S NOT THE WAY THINGS WORK.
UM, MILLIE, I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU COULD FIND ME THE AVAILABILITY STATS
FOR SCHWEGMAN'S SUPERMARKET.
UH, NEVER MIND. I'LL FIND THEM MYSELF.
UH, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
[GEORGE]: IN A FAIR WORLD,
BEHAVING LIKE A COMPLETE ASSHOLE
WOULD MAKE YOU REALLY UNPOPULAR,
BUT THIS ISN'T A FAIR WORLD,
AND THE ASSHOLES HAVE FOLLOWERS AND DISCIPLES AND ASSISTANTS.
THE ASSHOLES ARE TREATED LIKE KINGS.
SHE'S BACK.
LIKE...
SIX INCHES AWAY.
SHE SMELLS KIND OF CITRUS-Y
AND LIKE...
WAFFLES.
I HAVE TO GO.
PERSONAL CALL, ETHAN?
SORT OF.
SOME OF THE GUYS ON THE FIFTH FLOOR
HAD A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU.
LIKE WHAT?
UH, WELL, MY FRIEND SETH,
HE'S IN DATA RETRIEVAL.
SETH WANTED TO KNOW
WHAT YOUR EYES LOOKED LIKE UP CLOSE,
SO I TOLD HIM THAT...
THEY'RE BROWN.
I SAID HAZEL...
AND KIND OF ANGRY.
NO MORE PERSONAL CALLS, ETHAN.
OKAY. SURE. NO PROBLEM.
[GEORGE]: IN A WORLD WHERE PERFECTLY DECENT GIRLS
GET BRAINED BY COSMIC SPACE SHIT
AND GET ACCUSED OF BEING NAZI SYMPATHIZERS,
I WAS HAVING TROUBLE TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK.
[GIGGLING]
WHAT A LOSER.
[GEORGE]: BEING MEAN WAS MORE FUN.
BEING MEAN WAS COOL...
YOU'RE DEAD.
AND I WAS NEVER VERY COOL.
MRS. BENSON?
IS THAT A SMILE, SUSAN?
I CAN'T READ YOUR FACE ANYMORE.
YOU'VE BOTOXED IT SENSELESS.
IT'S SURPRISE, SARAH.
I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL JUST NOW
THAT THE HUMAN BODY CAN WITHSTAND THAT MUCH LIPO.
TELL ME, IS IT TRUE THE 10th ONE IS FREE?
FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU BACK.
HOW'S IT GOING?
DR. SIMMONS SAID THAT YOUR ASS FAT
IS PUTTING HIS DAUGHTER THROUGH YALE.
HE'S VERY GRATEFUL.
IS EITHER OF YOU A MRS. SAMUELS?
MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.
I'M STAN SAMUELS.
DO I KNOW YOU?
I'M DAISY. DAISY ADAIR FROM THE INSURANCE COMPANY.
THERE'S BEEN A MIXUP WITH YOUR COVERAGE.
THEY'VE ALREADY MADE IT PAINFULLY CLEAR
THAT MY PROCEDURE'S NOT COVERED.
RIGHT. IT'S NOT.
WHY DID YOU ASK FOR A MRS. SAMUELS?
I JUST ASSUMED YOU WERE GOING TO BE A WOMAN.
I WILL BE SOON.
I HOPE.
OF COURSE YOU WILL.
I SAW YOU PARKED YOUR JAG IN THE HANDICAP ZONE, SARAH.
IS CELLULITE NOW A RECOGNIZED HANDICAP?
TRAMP.
TART. SLUT.
MIDDLE-AGED.
CAN I HELP YOU?
OH, NO, I'M JUST BROWSING.
OKAY, WELL, JUST LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO TAKE ANYTHING FOR A TEST DRIVE.
YOU KNOW,
IT MIGHT BE TIME TO TRY A NEW PRODUCT OR TWO.
OKAY, WELL, IT'S LIKE YOUR HOUSE,
SO YOU START FROM THE FOUNDATIONS,
THEN YOU BUILD FROM THE GROUND UP,
SO FOR EXAMPLE,
WE HAVE "HATE YOUR HUSBAND BUT WILLING TO STAY NEUTRAL,"
OR...
"ALREADY KICKED HIS ASS TO THE CURB."
WHAT SHADE IS, "HE'S BANGING ONE OF HIS STUDENTS"?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
JOY. THAT'S A PRETTY NAME.
SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT, JOY?
THE LAST 10 YEARS OF MY LIFE BACK.
I CAN DO THAT.
[GEORGE]: PART OF ME KNEW THAT BEING MEAN WAS RECKLESS,
THAT IT WAS KIND OF LIKE DRIVING TOO FAST.
SO WHAT IF I WASN'T WEARING MY SEAT BELT?
SO WHAT IF I OCCASIONALLY SCRAPED ANOTHER FENDER?
JESUS CHRIST, CRYSTAL!
I'M SORRY, MILLIE.
PEOPLE HAVE TO WALK AROUND HERE, YOU KNOW,
AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO PICK THIS CRAP UP.
NICE GIRLS DON'T GET THE GUY.
NICE GIRLS DON'T RISE TO THE TOP.
[GRUNTS]
NOW YOU'VE MADE ME MAD.
NOW WE CAN NEVER BE FRIENDS.
[GEORGE]: NICE GIRLS FINISH LAST.
THEO.
THEO. THEO.
WE HAVE THESE RULES, OKAY?
NO FUNERALS.
FUNERALS ARE FOR THE LIVING,
SO THEY TAKE A COUPLE OF DAYS TO ARRANGE...
OH, ESPECIALLY ONE LIKE MINE.
OH, IT'S GOING TO BE AN EVENT.
I HAD FRIENDS. I CAN'T WAIT.
THAT'S JUST IT, THEO. YOU CAN'T WAIT.
YOU SEE, UH... OH, GOODNESS,
HOW DO I EXPLAIN THIS?
IT'S, UH...
YOU'VE CALLED THE CABLE GUY, RIGHT?
AND YOU'VE MADE AN APPOINTMENT, AND THAT CABLE GUY
HAS MADE A WINDOW FOR YOU,
AND THAT WINDOW IS FROM 12:00 TO 5:00.
RIGHT? SO IF YOU'RE NOT THERE
WHEN HE PRESSES THAT LITTLE DOORBELL, THEN...
NO CABLE, HUH?
I DON'T BLOODY KNOW, THEO.
I REALLY BLOODY DON'T KNOW.
SON, I APPRECIATE THE EFFORT,
BUT I WAS IN SALES,
AND I GOT TO TELL YOU, YOU'RE NOT CLOSING.
I'M GOING TO MY FUNERAL.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEET MY BOSS, THEN.
OH, LOOK AT THIS, BETTY.
I'M TALKING TO GOD TODAY.
NO, HE JUST THINKS HE'S GOD.
YOU'RE SURE NO ONE CAN SEE ME?
OH, UH... NO, NO.
I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT WAS COMPLETELY OBVIOUS BY NOW.
AND THAT JUST IS NOT RIGHT FOR THEM.
OKAY?
HI.
THEO...
WHEN DO THEY CALL MY PARENTS?
ARE THEY YOUR NEXT OF KIN?
DID YOUR PARENTS KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING?
THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL CROSS.
ARE YOU CATHOLIC?
I'M THINKING ABOUT IT.
WHEN I WAS A KID,
MY MOM USED TO PRAY AT THE DROP OF A HAT.
EVERY MORNING BEFORE MY DAD WOULD GO TO WORK,
EVERY TIME I TOOK A TEST...
FOR THE POT ROAST BEING TENDER.
SHE REALLY NEVER STOPPED PRAYING.
THE POWER OF PRAYER
IS VERY REAL FOR SOME PEOPLE.
YEAH, WELL, A MILLION HAIL MARYS
DIDN'T TURN ME INTO A GIRL.
I'M SORRY.
DO YOU THINK THERE'S A CHANCE
I COULD I GO TO CHURCH ONE LAST TIME?
OF COURSE.
I'M NOT INTERESTED IN SPECULATION, DOCTOR.
I'M INTERESTED IN FACTS.
THE FACT IS, YOU HAVE NO CHIN.
YOU NEED A CHIN IMPLANT.
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU. HOW DO YOU...
HOW DO YOU EVEN CHANGE PILLOW CASES?
AND THAT IS EVERYTHING.
NOW, REGGIE, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND OR WHATEVER,
THAT'S COMPLETELY COOL.
WOW, CHECK OUT YOUR MOM.
WELL?
YOU LOOK LIKE A NEWSCASTER.
HOW MUCH?
195, PLUS TAX.
YOU'RE GOOD.
REGGIE!
REGGIE, STOP.
HI.
HELLO. DO I KNOW YOU?
NO. I'M STEVE.
YOU'RE HOT.
FUCK OFF, STEVE.
WHO WAS THAT?
NOBODY.
NEWSCASTER, MY ASS.
SO EVERYTHING'S ON YOUR HARD DRIVE,
AND I MADE YOU A HARD COPY IN THIS BINDER,
IN CASE, YOU KNOW,
THAT WHOLE NAZI PROBLEM RESURFACES. GOOD.
WHY ARE THERE POST-ITS ON MY BINDER?
I PUT THESE POST-ITS AT THE TOP OF EACH SUB-SECTION,
SO THAT IF, LIKE, SAY YOU WERE TRYING TO FIND A JOB FOR SOMEONE
WHO COULD TYPE AND ALSO DRIVE, THEN YOU COULD JUST...
I DON'T LIKE POST-ITS.
OKAY. I JUST...
LOSE THE POST-ITS, ETHAN.
OKAY, SURE.
SO, I DO ORIGAMI.
I REALLY LIKE CRAFTS,
AND I HAD SOME EXTRA TIME
BECAUSE I WORK SO QUICKLY SO I MADE YOU...
I MADE YOU A SWAN.
OH.
ETHAN.
OH, THAT'S SO SWEET.
I'M SORRY.
YEAH.
IT WAS A PRETTY ONE.
UM, I GUESS I COULD MAKE YOU ANOTHER ONE.
THAT'S OKAY.
I DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO ANYWAY.
OKAY, BYE.
[GEORGE]: I WASN'T ALWAYS LIKE THIS.
I USED TO BE A NICE PERSON.
HI, BETH ANNE.
ISN'T IT WEIRD HOW THERE'S SO MANY WAVES
BUT THE WATER'S NOT REALLY GOING ANYWHERE?
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE NORMAL?
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO WEIRD?
I DON'T KNOW.
BUT BEING NICE DIDN'T SEEM TO WORK EITHER.
IT'S LIKE ANY WAY I PLAY IT...
I WIND UP ALONE.
I'M SORRY, DELORES.
YOU KNOW, MILLIE,
BACK IN THE DAYS WHEN I HAD ALL THOSE RESTRAINING ORDERS AGAINST ME,
I THOUGHT HATE WAS THE ANSWER.
SERIOUSLY, DELORES, I'M NOT A NAZI.
OH, I KNOW THAT, SILLY.
I'M JUST TRYING TO SAY,
SOMETIMES WHEN I HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN A BULLWHIP AND A SMILE,
I CHOOSE THE SMILE.
THAT WAS ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS YOU EVER SAID TO ME.
HMM?
YOU SAID, "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SMILE ONCE."
I DON'T THINK SO.
I SAID THAT TO ANOTHER YOUNG GIRL.
LOVELY YOUNG GIRL. TRAGIC WHAT HAPPENED.
YEAH, MY MISTAKE.
MILLIE...
ETHAN JUST QUIT.
WHAT?
HE SAID HE WASN'T CUT OUT
FOR THIS KIND OF CORPORATE CUT-THROAT CULTURE.
WHAT HAPPENED, MILLIE?
I HAD A BAD DAY.
NO. MILLIE...
ETHAN HAD A BAD DAY.
THIS PARK'S BEAUTIFUL.
ALL OF GOD'S CREATURES, RIGHT?
I GUESS.
I WANTED TO BE A GIRL...
EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.
WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO BE A GIRL?
WE'RE SO MUCH PRETTIER THAN BOYS.
YOU'RE KIND OF PRETTY.
YOU MAKE IT LOOK SO EFFORTLESS.
YEAH, DON'T LET THE FINAL PICTURE FOOL YOU.
THIS IS TWO HOURS OF HARD LABOR IN THE MORNING.
NO, IT'S IN EVERYTHING YOU DO.
THE WAY YOU WALK, THE WAY YOUR HAIR FLOWS,
THE WAY YOU MOVE YOUR HIPS. IT'S PERFECT.
ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH ME?
I'M DEAD.
RIGHT.
STILL, YOURS IS THE FACE
I WANTED TO SEE IN THE MIRROR EVERY MORNING.
YOU'RE JUST PERFECT.
I KNOW,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, STAN? SO ARE YOU.
I THINK WE BOTH KNOW THAT'S NOT QUITE TRUE.
YOU'RE SWEET. YOU'RE HONEST.
YOU'VE GOT GREAT STYLE. YOU'D HAVE MADE A GOOD WOMAN.
WOULD'VE, COULD'VE.
I GOT SCREWED.
YEAH.
IT'S ALL PART OF HIS PLAN.
THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.
WHY ARE YOU GOING TO CHURCH?
IT'S WHERE YOU TALK TO GOD, DAISY.
IT'S HIS HOUSE.
REGGIE, I NEED TO GET A MOVE ON EARLY TOMORROW MORNING,
SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO...
WOW.
DON'T YOU KNOCK?
WOW, YOU LOOK LIKE A...
YOUNG WOMAN.
PLEASE GET OUT.
I'M OUT.
THANKS.
MATZOH BALLS ARE NICE TONIGHT.
DO YOU CARE IF PEOPLE LIKE YOU?
DO I ACT LIKE I CARE?
NO.
NOBODY LIKES COPS ANYWAY,
BUT THEY SURE ARE HAPPY TO SEE US
WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN.
EAT YOUR SOUP BEFORE IT GETS COLD.
JESUS, THOSE ARE SOME ENORMOUS BALLS.
EXCUSE ME?
OH, GOOD GOD!
YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.
THIS MAN WANTS TO GO TO HIS OWN FUNERAL.
HE DIED NAKED?
SMASHED INTO A DIVING BOARD.
WITH HIS BALLS?
STUNNING, ISN'T IT? TELL HIM THE RULES, MASON. NO FUNERALS.
I'VE TRIED THAT, RUBE. THE THING IS...
THE THING IS WHAT, MASON?
YOU KNOW, THAT THING... YOU'RE GOOD AT THAT.
THE THING THAT YOU CAN...
YOU'RE BETTER AT...
JUST, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW...
THE TALKING.
WELL SAID.
PLEASE, RUBE. HIS NAME'S THEO.
THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH BALL.
NOW HE'S PUT ME OFF MY SOUP.
SO YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?
I DON'T SEE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, MASON.
I DO.
OH, GOD.
DER WAFFLE HAUS.
I REMEMBER WHEN THE FIRST ONE OF THESE WENT UP.
THE WAR WAS OVER. IT DIDN'T GO SO WELL
IN THE BEGINNING.
BETTY AND I WERE ON OUR FIFTH DATE.
SHE HAD WAFFLES.
THANKS.
THANKS A MILLION.
COME ON, THEO. LET'S CHAT.
OH, LOOK AT THE LOVEBIRDS.
KISS HER, YOU PUTZ.
THIS WAY, THEO.
ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THAT SOUP?
THAT'S JUST GROSS.
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MANY OF THEM, HAVE YOU?
MY FIRST... PAIR.
THEY'RE NOT ALL LIKE THAT.
SOME ARE WORSE.
POOR BETTY.
WHO'S BETTY?
NO ONE.
HOW DOES THIS GUY NOT CARE
IF PEOPLE SEE HIM LIKE THAT?
HE JUST DOESN'T.
DO YOU CARE IF PEOPLE LIKE YOU?
NO.
WHY? HAS SOMEBODY SAID SOMETHING ABOUT ME? IS IT DAISY?
DOES SHE NOT LIKE ME?
I HAVE TO GO.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. WHAT, HAS DAISY SAID SOMETHING ABOUT ME?
THAT OLD MAN IS YOUR REAP, MASON.
SO BLOODY WHAT?
MAN, YOU NEVER MET A PROBLEM
YOU COULDN'T RUN FROM, HUH?
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT NEEDS SOME BALLS.
'NIGHT, RUBE.
CAN SHE SEE ME?
SHE CAN,
AND SHE'LL NEVER BE THE SAME FOR IT.
YOU KNOW, THEO,
DEATH HAS ITS OWN PROTOCOL.
IT'S LIKE A TRAIN.
YOU DON'T WANT TO BE LATE FOR YOUR TRAIN.
EXACTLY WHAT THAT MASON GUY SAID,
EXCEPT PRETTIER.
THANK YOU.
WHY DO YOU WANT TO GO TO YOUR FUNERAL?
WELL... I'M JUST CURIOUS TO SEE WHO COMES,
HEAR WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY.
I LIVED A LONG LIFE, YOU KNOW. STORIES WILL BE TOLD.
YOU'RE WORRIED SOMEBODY MIGHT MAKE A JOKE OR TWO AT YOUR EXPENSE?
I DON'T... I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS A LOUDMOUTH.
BETTY ALWAYS LAUGHED AT MY JOKES.
YOU KNOW, THEO, YOU STRIKE ME AS THE KIND OF GUY
WHO WAS WHO HE WAS, NOT A LOT OF BULLSHIT.
YOU WERE THE KIND OF GUY WHO DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT BEING LIKED.
THAT'S WHY PEOPLE LIKED HIM.
HOW...
HOW LONG AGO DID BETTY DIE, THEO?
SEVEN YEARS THIS NOVEMBER.
I'M SORRY, I'M... I'M A BIT CONFUSED.
I MEAN, ISN'T SHE THE ONE THAT YOU'D REALLY WANT TO SEE?
AND I'M THINKING SHE'S NOT GOING TO BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
YEAH.
I MISS HER.
I MISS MY WIFE.
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD KEEP BETTY WAITING ANY LONGER.
LET'S GO FIND HER, THEN, EH?
COME ON.
RUBE, DO YOU THINK DAISY'S UPSET WITH ME FOR ANY REASON?
I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY SHE WOULD BE.
COME ON, ALREADY. I'M FREEZING MY BALLS OFF HERE.
SORRY, THEO. WOULDN'T WANT TO KEEP YOU WAITING.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TIME ALONE, STAN?
PLEASE.
[♪♪]
YOU BASTARD.
STAN!
HYPOCRITICAL, NO-GOOD,
BACKSTABBING, JUDGMENTAL...
YOU SAID WE'RE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN.
EXCEPT THE FREAKS.
EXCEPT FOR ME.
YOU. YOU DO IT.
I CAN'T. I WON'T.
JUST HELP ME.
I'M SORRY. I CAN'T.
WHY WOULD GOD DO THIS TO ME?
DO WHAT?
HAVE YOU DIE THIS WAY?
HAVE ME LIVE THIS WAY.
GOD DOESN'T LOVE ALL CREATURES, DAISY.
I THINK YOU SHOULD PRAY, STAN.
I WANT TO FORGIVE HIM,
BUT I WANT HIM TO TELL ME...
THAT HE'S SORRY FIRST.
[GLASS SHATTERING]
[SOFT WHOOSHING]
COME ON! GO! GO!
HEY, HEY!
HEY, GOD'S WATCHING YOU! HE SAW THAT!
HOOLIGANS!
YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!
STAN?
STAN...
BLESSED ART THOU AMONGST WOMEN.
[♪♪]
[GEORGE]: I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT MAKES PEOPLE CROSS OVER.
I MEAN, SOULS.
I THINK THEY SEE LIGHT WHERE OTHERS CANNOT.
I THINK THEY SEE A CHANCE TO BECOME SOMETHING ELSE.
SOMEONE ELSE.
SOME PEOPLE ARE BECOMING WHO THEY'RE GOING TO BE,
OTHERS ARE JUST TRYING TO BE ANYTHING BUT WHO THEY ARE...
AND OTHERS JUST CAN'T DECIDE.
THIS IS IROQUOIS.
IT'LL MATCH YOUR DARK HAIR PERFECTLY.
[GEORGE]: EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE LIKED.
I KNOW I DID...
BUT I KNEW I WAS STILL LOOKING...
FOR SOMETHING,
FOR SOMEONE.
FOR LIGHT...
UM, HI, GEORGE.
HI, BETH ANNE.
AND I HAD NO IDEA WHERE I'D FIND IT.
WHEN I WAS 10, SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME...
[LAUGHING]
AND SOMETHING HAPPENED TO BETH ANNE MILLER...
AND IT CHANGED BOTH OF OUR LIVES...
FOREVER.